Six Ways to Scary

In honor of the new movie Motherhood, Scary Mommy (actually a lovely mommy named Jill) is looking for some other Scary Mommies out there.  Since I have some pretty scary motherhood moments I am entering my own terrifying post!     I am at least 6 ways to scary – if not more.  Some are funny and well, some are really scary.  I am just glad to know there are other moms out there going through the same things!  Thank you Jill, for leading me to my people!

Let’s just get this out of the way.  In my opinion, if I were to walk around naked on the night of Halloween, people would be scared.  Sophia has already told me that my body looks scary.  First of all, I was not always body scary.  Before all the cancer risk stuff I went in the sun and had an nice glow.  Before I had kids my boobs were perky and a good, steady size.  I had nice skin.  My tummy did not have stretch marks.  And the kicker, you could not see all the veins in my entire body.

Yes, you heard me right.  Sophia asks what is wrong with me.  When I was pregnant with Sophia, my husband asked the same thing.  I am pale.  I mean white as a ghost pale.  When a pale chick like me gets pregnant, the increased blood flow through my body makes my veins resemble a highway map across my whole body, most prominently displayed on my boobs and chest.  I literally have BRIGHT BLUE lines running all over my chest and boobies, down my arms into hands that glow there are so many veins!  It is pretty scary looking!

Moving from my boobs down to my belly – it just don’t look like it used to round these parts.  The veins run through tatas that were a C before all these babies.  Then, with my ENORMOUS milk supply, they swelled to an E. You heard me, an E, after I had Sophie.  Then after nursing two babies for a year, they shrunk down to a small B and lost a good deal of their perkiness.  Now, they are growing again but so are the nips (as you know if you have been preggers) and so now, in my opinion my nips are too big for the boobs.  And while there are no veins popping out on my pelvis, there are stretch marks courtesy of my babies, who are always born late and drop early.  Thanks guys.  Again, scary.  Man I want my good boobs back.

Oh, like many other moms, I also am not able to get in a good shower every day, have boogers wiped on me constantly, sometimes find spots of poop from a wayward diaper change on me and oh yes, when I am pregnant my nose runs constantly.

So here I am naked with blue veins running all over my death pale body with nips too big for my boobs and stretch marks down to my hoo ha with a huge belly and this whole lovely picture has boogers and poopie on it.  And I am making funny noises to try and keep the boogers in my head.

Told you I was scary.

My kids do ask me to be scary.  Even Miles, who cannot speak, has a special mumble for scary faces and monster games.  It started with singing songs like the Purple People Eater and acting it out.  Then, I am a big theater chick so we always play games where we are monsters or animals or princesses.  Well, Sophia is usually the princess and by request, I am the scary monster.  Miles just toddles around like a pee wee Frankenstein.  No words but if he sits on you you’ll be sorry.  My hubby is a hot ticket for this game too.  He is a great monster and adds tickles to the mix.  We love to roar, to pretend to breathe fire, to make ugly scary faces.  And yes, we do jump out of corners and actually scare them sometimes.  So far, they have always laughed afterward.  I am proud to be a Scary Mommy Monster.

I know this about myself.  Sometimes I just run out of steam.  Sometimes I want to take the easy way out.  I definitely am honing this skill with kids.  First, all activities are now close to home.  We no longer drive 20 minutes to the kiddie gym.  We put tons of pillows on the floor and have our own kiddie gym.  Sophia and Miles have pre-school less than 1 mile from our house.  Sophia’s ballet – 1.2 miles.  Sophia’s soccer – 1 mile.  Most of our play dates are on our block.  Some of this has to do with the fact that Miles still naps and Sophia has not taken a snoozer since she turned 2.  More of it has to do with my not wanting to haul them all over the place.

Lazy Scary also means that I fully believe that “Noggin is like Preschool on T.V.”  If I am busy – they can watch shows.  If I am super crabby – they can watch a show.  If I really don’t feel like doing cutting exercises with Sophia – they can watch a show.  Usually they play with the show in the background but still – I put that tube on and expect to get a little break for it.  I will admit to you that Miles’ first word was definitely DORA.  It is still the word he says most clearly.  He has the major hots for her.  He should since he has seen her since birth!    What can I say, I am really tired with these two and anther on the way.  I have let Sophia watch shows in order to get her to lay in my bed so I can take a nap.  I have let them watch something in the morning so I can sleep for another 15 minutes…or 30.  It is just the easy way out…actually…it is scary how easy it is.

Let’s just say Miles can also say nugget.  As in chicken nugget.  And I like to cook.  Let me rephrase, I liked to cook.  Before I was cooking for kids while they go through everything in the kitchen, ask to help crack the eggs, pour the milk, turn on the stove…the list goes on.  Making dinner is now a nightmare.  It takes forever to make something that at least recently, I have a 30% chance of success with.  My kids never want dinner.  That is, they never want dinner at the table with vegetables and milk and such.  They always want dinner on the porch at their kids table with their Happy Meal and their toy.   They also like Nutri Grain bars for breakfast, Lunchables for lunch at school (although I have stopped this because my husband got so mad), Wendy’s Chicken Tenders and KFC Popcorn Chicken.  Yes, we do this once a week.  I am embarrassed.  No, we don’t supersize, but still.  Scary.

Sometimes mom comes first, and please don’t think it is one of those things where moms need some time too.  I get some time.  Pre-school is my little miracle in the mornings.  This is just me being selfish and picky and not always wanting to share.  So do I sound like my scary toddler to you yet?  I hide expensive candy, my weakness, so that I do not have to share.  When we color or do crafts, we both have our own projects or pages because I really hate it if my stuff gets messed up.  Maybe I am anal retentive scary too!  When we go to the mall with the play place, sometimes we go in the other entrance that is near Anthropologie so I can go in my store for just a few minutes and we don’t have to go on the jumpies.  If I get a milkshake or frosty (see above) I put it in the freezer right away to be my treat later.  Sometimes I give them a bite first.  Not usually.  I know this behavior is scary because I feel bad about it.  I’m trying to teach my kids to share and be honest and instead I am hiding away my treats and hoarding my beautiful pictures with all colors in the lines.  Boo on me.

I am not exactly who I thought I would be as a mother.  I truly believed, despite what my own lovely mother told me, that I would be a sea of beauty and calm surrounding my children.  I thought my love for them would be so great that I would always WANT to put them first, that I would never regret leaving my job, that I would always have on the front of my head and heart that I am a mother and I love my kids more than anything in the world.  I do love them this much, but in truth, it is scary how often my love for them is not the first thing on my mind.

Having a very sensitive, high strung and independent 3 year old is only wonderful when she is being good and her feelings are not hurt.  At other times her emotions overwhelm us both.  Her sensitivity lends itself to enormous fits that are hard for her (or me) to get under control.  I actually took her to the doctor when she was almost 18 months old because I could not get her to stop crying and screaming and I thought something was wrong.  There was a nurse there with 6 kids who said she had 2 like mine and that there was nothing wrong – I just had a “live wire”.  She was right.  Her independence can turn to rudeness and a complete disregard for the rules and the feelings of those around her (usually me).  She lashes out at her brother and can hurt him when she is very angry.  She is trying to control her temper but sometimes I lose mine before she can.

I have held her down and buckled her into the car while she was kicking and screaming to get her out the door.  I hate this.  I have screamed at her, and not just to get out of the street or hold my hand in a parking lot.  I have actually screamed “Sophia Elise, What are you thinking?”!  She cried and she told me that I was scary.  I would like to say that the heart break I felt at that moment kept me from ever screaming again, but it has not.  In fact, there have been times when she is so bad I have considered giving her spanking, even though my husband and I decided we did not want to parent this way.  If you are wondering, so far Miles is laid back and calm.  Thank God for small miracles.  I do every day.  His temper fits are few and far between and they are manageable.  While still overwhelming due to the pitch of his screams, he is not directing anger at me.  That makes me able to deal.

To remain calm is my biggest challenge as a mother.  I, like Sophia, am outspoken and passionate about the things I love.  It took me a long time growing up to learn to be calm.  The minute I had a toddler I had to start re-learning this precious skill.  I have screamed, I have physically put them in their car seats while they were pitching a fit.  I have put my toddlers in their cribs and let them cry while I cried in another room or took a moment of quiet on my porch.  Not only am I scary to them, I am sometimes scared of how angry a 3-year old and an 18-month old can make me.  Thank God I have friends (both bloggy buddies and in real life) and family who tell me that I am not insane.  My lovely friends have reminded me that they understand how very scary angry toddlers and pre-schoolers can be themselves.   They are right.

Still, I never thought I would be a seriously Scary Mommy to my kids.  This is my confession.

If you ever read this, my babies, I love you and I have screamed at myself and I have cried and I have apologized for being so angry with you and for losing my temper.  I never meant to scare you.  You are all parts of my heart, and I will always be here for you.

You can open your eyes.  Well, there you have it.  Or at least some of it.   I am a mom and I am not perfect.  I am a person and I will always be striving to be better.  Yes, parts of me are a SCARY MOMMY, but I okay with who I am.  I am a good mom.  I adore my kids and my husband – so much it sometimes scares me.

If you enjoyed this post – please make sure to check out the other Scary Mommy entries at Scary Mommy.  Also please vote for me in the comments section of her post!  There will be a winner!

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