Light at the End of My Tunnel

December 9, 2009

Turn Baby Turn!

It’s been awhile and I am sorry. I also apologize for posting this terrible picture of me. It is a huge improvement of the one taken while I was inverted over the chair you see. I only am posting about this because I feel like I owe you a laugh after being absent for a week! The inverted pic was too much though - I would have scared you all away or made your uteruses shriek. I still might. (p.s. I had to look it up – you can use uteri or uteruses as the plural for uterus.)

Yep, that is a flashlight in my underpants and yes, it is on. I know from my OB that babies can now see light. According to the Internet and many twitter friends, babies will move towards light. So now you get it…I am shining light down towards my vajayjay so that the baby will move that way and un-breech her lovely self. The flashlight is literally the light at the end of my tunnel.

In case the light is not enough, my baby girl can now hear so I have also stuffed my iPod ear buds in my undies and at the moment in the picture I am playing a little Regina Spektor. I have also tried classical. She is supposed to say

Oh my, look at that wonderful soft light down there. That looks so nice. Oh wait – do I hear fabulous music? Turn it up mom! Hello? Mom? I’m looking for some volume and a little more light around here!

We have already spoken about how this baby does not move. She may need some real motivation. More than positive vibes from the light and music, I am trying to freeze the crap out of her little head by placing bags of frozen vegetables at the top of my huge pregnant belly. Have you put an ice pack on a toddler? I am hoping for a similar reaction from this fetus. I want her to want to get the hell away from the cold.

Holy moly Mom! What the hell are you putting up in my space? My little tiny head is freezing up here! What’s that you say? It’s warm down where that light is? I need to move my head towards the tunnel and the funky music? Holy crap okay I am tucking my chin already! Just move those damn peas!

And then she tucks her chin and does a graceful somersault, moving her head towards the vajayjay. At this point we all hear glorious choral music and I take a bow and unfurl myself from the inverted position I am in.

I am currently trying to MacGyver the baby into a head down position and therefore have been away from posting. You see, I have been inverted, or a little upside down, for most of my free time over the last week. Pelvis up peeps! It turns out you cannot go into an inverted position with small children without them jumping on you. It only gets more exciting for them when you add a working flashlight and earphones and a bag of frozen playthings – the children aim for your privates. I am only trying to get one head near my crotch these days – no more – no less. Therefore my blogging time has been devoted to this new strange hobby. I cannot blog while inverted. I have missed you too.

I have to say – this better flippin’ work. If I weren’t a freak before I am feelin’ like a total dingbat right about now. But no one can ever say I did not try.

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