Hard to be a wife. Hard to be a mother. Hard to be a friend. Hard to be a writer. Hard to be me.

You see, I was going all gangbusters and ready to share with you the news of our 4th baby when I found out that our beautiful child would never make it to us.  Everything stopped for me.  Instead of bursting with joy I was overcome with grief.  The day I started writing about our new addition was the day I found out that I would instead be saying goodbye.

I want to connect again.  I want to share our moments and yours.  First, I need to let go of this anger and hurt and work from a place where my heart is again open. I was not going to post the following, but I think it might help me to share my darkest moments so that I can again relish the many joys I have.

Here is my heart. I will re-build myself.

I have been in and out of everything lately.  My life, my friendships, my blog, my marriage and yes, my mothering.  Lately isn’t even the right word.  We lost our baby to a fetal teratoma months ago.  That’s a tumor.  This tumor is called an epignathus.  A tumor growing out of my baby’s precious mouth.  Since then I have been shitty at everything.  I am left feeling heartbroken about losing that child and then guilty because my parenting and wife-ing has been so far below par for the last 5 months.

I look at women who have lost children and I am amazed at how together they seem.  I can’t even imagine that grief.

I remember my past miscarriages and wonder how I got over those.  I think I only barely started to move on when we had another baby.  This time I am not sure another baby will come.

I keep talking to people and reading posts from people who are pregnant, planning to have another or done.  They seem to know where they stand.  And then I barely keep myself from crying over my response as I approach our due date in February and know that I do not want to be done.  That I wanted that child.  That I might always want another baby.

See, I can’t find the bandaid.  I don’t know what will stop this pain.

Losing that baby took any semblance of thick skin from me and crushed it.  Now, I am fragile when I want to be strong.  I am sensitive and my heart bruises easily. I cry a lot and worse than that, I have been raising my voice, yelling, because all of my anger can’t stay inside.  I feel ashamed.

I have not written very much because I did not want to burden anyone with my grief and be that totally depressing woman who can’t stop crying about that baby when she already has 3 beautiful children.  Well, that’s me.  Totally beaten by the end of most days, and some days from the moment my eyes open.  I can’t let go.  I can’t move on.  I am not okay with it.  I am angry and hurt and confused and I am terrified.  Because it is not really getting better.

And I have not been talking about it. Now I am letting it out and hoping that I will begin to see myself again soon.

I want to be better and I want anyone out there who has felt this way to know that you are not alone.  That is why I am writing this down.  Because this loss is real and because it does not just go away.  It helps to share, and I am taking that first step.

I know that it has to get better.  It just has to.

My husband loves me.  My kids love me.  My friends love me.

I love me.

I know I will be okay.  It will take time.  More than I ever thought, I suppose, but I will be okay.  I will re-build my emotional life.  I know I am a good friend, a good wife and a good mother.  I need to ask everyone for patience and understanding and just do my very best.

Because my best is enough.  I am enough.

If you have experienced the loss of a baby, know that you can share your experience and that you are not at all alone.  Please visit Unspoken Grief, a community for healing after the pain of a miscarriage, stillbirth or neo-natal loss.

Sophia is intensely interested in my doodles and has started doodling herself.  She is self-conscious about her shapes and her color choice.  She worries that her drawings do not look like mine.  I tell her I have been practicing my doodles since I was a little girl, and I still have room to grow.  I also reveal to hear that doodles are perfect because they are from you.  They are your feelings laid on paper.  They are colors and shapes and emotions.  In short, they are what they are and they are a part of you.  It is personal art and there is no right or wrong.

Today I was doodling as the kids and I practiced drawing the famous Mo Willem’s pigeon.  I am simply faster at drawing the pigeon and my nature makes me immediately start to color while I wait.  We try to draw or color every day.  Usually we have some time where the coloring books are out and some time where we practice drawing something.  This is not forced by me, they want to learn to draw.  I am no great drawing master, but my prowess with basic shapes is advanced to them, so I will do as a teacher for the time being.

I doodled my usual mix of colors and shapes with Sophia’s new glitter gel pens.  I loved the smooth ink and the sparkling result and continued to doodle after the kids had finished, wanting to complete my tiny picture thought.

When I looked up, Sophia had a new piece of paper and was beginning her own tiny doodle.  My heart swelled as I realized she was imitating me.  There will only be so many years she will do this, I know.  Soon she will embrace her independence in every way and have her own inspiration for drawing and everything else.  But today, she wanted to draw like her Mommy.  She was disappointed, but I was so proud. A doodle is never a disappointment.

These shapes are tiny and something about my crazy type A personality loves fitting the colorful puzzle together.  These entire drawings are about 3 inches wide.  It is hard for Sophia.  She has never made a puzzle of shapes before.  She has never worked in such a tiny area of a blank page.  She is fast becoming an expert at basic shapes, but this is something different.  I think she rocked it.  It may not look like much, but for a 5 year old with a tiny area and ultra fine point pens, this was no easy beginning.

After a few minutes, she asked me if we could trade pictures.  She said my doodle made her happy.  I told her I usually tape my doodles into my journal.  She has recently started her own journal and said she thought my drawing would be beautiful in it.  I asked her if I could per her drawing, her first real doodle, in mine.

A doodle for a doodle and we both have what we wanted, a beautiful piece of each others hearts.

We love keeping a journal and for kids a doodle journal can be a great thing!  We write the date at the top of each page and then the kids are free to draw or write words or feelings throughout the day.  There are pages that Sophia says are private and there are many she shares with me.  I feel honored.

What do your children want to imitate?  Are they nervous about their art or excited to try new things?  Do you journal or doodle still?  I can’t be the only one!

Guess what?  The night before I lost my voice.  I went to bed at 8 pm and woke up with a mere whisper.  I drank tea and tried to whisper.  By the time my session came I had a choice between the voice of a baby chipmunk or a deranged Kathleen Turner.   This was my first disappointment.  I have a strong speaking voice and I love to use a lot of vocal expression when I teach.  This session was videotaped so I will be able to hear my strange voice.  Yippee.

You know what?  At least my voice came.  I used what I had and I asked for help from Melanie when I needed it because I was literally choking on my own throat.  We knew our stuff and we shared it.  And you know what…we are good presenters.  We did our job well, even with my husky chipmunk at the mic.

We shared our presentation.  To 6 people.  This was my other fear.  That no one would come.  This, for me, brought the huge weight of disappointment down.  It made me feel small and useless and most of all, embarrassed.  I don’t know why so few cared about our awesome presentation on design with tons of useful tips, but man it broke my hard working heart.  I totally appreciate each and every person who came.  Thank you!

Well, we still gave our presentation and answered the few questions and after an hour, it was over.  My first speaking gig at a blog conference did not go at all as I hoped.

I left the conference center to call my husband thinking I would cry.  Yeah, I cry, sue me.  I started talking and he felt so bad for me and then I found my stiff upper lip.

Now I am sitting on a plane on my way back to Charlotte and I decided to share not only my story (I was almost too embarrassed) but also the lesson in it.

How can we deal with this kind of disappointment?  It happens all the time. We work hard on something, whether personally or professionally, and the result does not go as planned.  You know what?  Things happen.

Tips for Dealing with Disappointment

First, evaluate the situation.

Did you do everything you needed to do?

No:  Sometimes the answer will be no and you can figure out how to do better the next time.  Did you not leave enough time?  Did you over extend yourself?  Did you not give 100% because the project was not a big priority to you?  This has now become a learning experience.  Use it to your advantage and know that you will be better in the future.

Yes:  Most of the time disappointment is the hardest when something we really care about goes sideways.  In these cases I find that if anything, we have over prepared.  We are ready to rock a presentation, a social engagement, a party…anything.  Because we care so much we did everything we could.

We (Melanie and I) prepared for our session.  We worked on our presentation, we researched great resources and we promoted our session.  Still, it was a room meant for a hundred with only a few chairs filled.  Each of those people totally rocks, by the way!  We can be proud of what we did.

In this case, when there was no more you could do, you have to be able to be proud of yourself for what you accomplished and what you learned in the process and again, use it as a learning experience.

Can you identify the problem?

This is not about finding a scapegoat.  This is giving your situation an honest evaluation so you will be able to put it behind you.  It is worth it and may make the next situation better.  Maybe there is someone you should follow up with or maybe you just need this for yourself.

I don’t know what to say about my situation other than that we presented right after lunch in a huge expo center as the first panel in the first year of Type A Parent at Blog World.  I think that people weren’t sure these tracks would apply to them if they are not a parent blogger.  While they would be wrong, that is neither here nor there.  There were something like 11 other sessions going on at the same time.  Next to our room was a session on monetization.  Yep, making money.  Duh…people go to that.  Finally, for some reason people don’t really think blog design is that important or they think their blog is just fine.  I can tell you that most blogs need a regular shine and an annual cleaning and that design is extremely important. Especially if you want to make money.  I am confident that this session would be gang busters in a lot of places.

Second, find the silver lining.

I know I sound like your mom, but hey, I am a mom now.  Moms are smart cookies.  As I said above, did you learn something?  Was the experience still worthwhile?  Did you make a new friend?  Did you see something new?

I did all of these things this weekend.  I learned a lot about blogging and social media from the conference and I learned a lot about myself from this situation.  I am strong.  The experience was wonderful despite my vocal distress.  I still wish I was less shy, but I am not going to beat myself up.  I made new friends.  I now totally adore Melanie and I found some other amazing people too! I saw downtown LA and my first non-parenting blog conference.  Boy was it different. I spoke at my first blog conference!  Yay! Downtown LA was super awesome and I really hope to go back sometime and see some sights and hit the beach!

There is more than one side to every story and your situation is probably no different.  So maybe the main event wasn’t what it was cracked up to be but the peripheral stuff rocked.  Focus on that.

Third, allow your feelings.  They are real.

Disappointment is natural.  It is fine to feel this way.  Let yourself be disappointed, just don’t let yourself wallow in it.  That will keep you down a lot longer!

I am disappointed, sure.  I wanted to report amazing success to you, my readers!  It’s okay though.  You just wait.  Next time!

Fourth, Look forward, not backward.

I know we did well speaking and I am already planning which other conferences I can submit a speaker proposal to.  I am less nervous about submitting than I was before and I am ready to roll!  This conference is over now.  I don’t need to let it weigh me down.  I was also thinking of offering a local workshop or webinar on blog design for people (business or personal blogs) who want the information but will not be at a blog conference anytime soon.  See, I am letting go to let new and positive ideas in.  Try it.  It really helps.

Finally, give yourself a little treat.

This is not a pity party, or maybe it is.  It doesn’t matter really.  Grab a bowl of ice cream or a heap of that Halloween candy or a really full glass of wine and indulge yourself.  Take a bubble bath. Catch a movie.  Just because everything out there did not go as you hoped does not mean everything in your own space can’t be just as you like it for at least a little while.

Share Your Tips!

I am feeling a million times better today as I move away from the disappointment (both physically and emotionally) and I hope you are able to move on from some of the disappointing situation in your life.  If you have any other great tips please share them in the comments!

Now she wiggles away and I am left sucking in and standing up oh so straight. I’ve got no boobs left so that distraction is gone too.  Breastfeeding…yeah…it took my boobs.

So I need to try this whole thing again.  Yep, I noticed le belly a long time ago.  This week I am participating in a really cool meme at By Word of Mouth Musings called Time Travel Tuesdays.  You get to link up an old post and remember what you vowed to do or a great memory and you get to see what other bloggers would choose to show from their archives. Since it is new, I thought I would post and not just link up in case you want to jump in the time machine too!

I chose to out myself as the woman without enough self control to give up a piece of bread at breakfast.

When Violet was just 8 weeks old I wrote a little post called I am What I Ate.  You see, I figured out that my belly was beginning to resemble my favorite food, the mighty bagel. I meant to make this big change and be super svelte by now.  I mean it’s only like 16 months later.  But I maintain this uncanny resemblance to that round, delicious bread.

Now, it’s really time for a change.

Tell me, how are you doing with your post baby body goals?

As much I love romance and will always watch the fabulous historical films like Pride and Prejudice, my favorite thing is laughter. I love to laugh long and hard. When I think about my favorite lines from movies – the ones I repeat all the time – they are from funny movies.

When I think about my favorite movies I think of Steve Martin.  Not only is he super funny but he plays a mean banjo and has worked little ditties into his movies that bring smiles and giggles from all.  You all know I love to sing.  Funny songs are the best thing ever.  Also, my kids like them.  It’s a total win!

My second choice of movie lines is from The Three Amigos and is a little song called “My Little Buttercup”.  If you have not seen it – go now.  Steve Martin, Martin Short and Chevy Chase are perfect heroes in this hilarious film.

My most favorite movie was made the year after I was born, in 1979.  The Jerk is irreverent and romantic and musical and stars Steve Martin and my favorite Broadway broad, Bernadette Peters.   I can talk and sing my way through this whole film.  It has more than just love and laughter…it tells the story of a young man who has nothing, finds love and riches, loses both and realizes that love is what we really need.  It is perfect.  Go potty before you watch it.  It is  that funny.

Well, Navin (Steve Martin) is singing a song in the bathtub to his love Marie (Bernadette Peters) as she quietly slips out the door.  I make up songs like this.   I love it.

I went overboard this time.  I got naked and got in my bathtub to re-enact one of my favorite moments.  Oh yes.  I am picking out a thermos for all of you.  Enjoy.  Be kind.  Give lots of yummy comments.

Here is the song in its wonderful entirety.

Honey guess what?  I wrote a song for you!
Oh, I’m picking out a thermos for you
Not an ordinary thermos for you.
But the extra best thermos you can buy…
with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in.
I’m picking out a thermos for you
and maybe a barometer too…
and what else can I buy, so on me you’ll rely
a rear end thermometer too.

I had so much fun remembering and re-watching my favorite movie! And we all know that moms know how to rock the use of a rear end thermometer. The things we do for our children…

Regular comments are closed on this post but you can give me all your awesome favorite movie lines in the nifty little Blog Frog box.

Redbox is celebrating summer family time with a great line up of family-friendly titles, awesome savings and two chances to win $10,000 as part of the Redbox Summer of Fun & Games Sweepstakes.*

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Enter to win today!

This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Redbox. The opinions and text are all mine.

*Each item rented earns one entry, regardless of how long it is rented, up to three entries per day. Limit 3 entries per day, regardless of entry method. The sweepstakes begins May 27, 2011 at 12:00 a.m. CT and ends on August 1, 2011 at 11:59 p.m. CT. No purchase necessary. See official rules at www.redbox.com/summer.

Now it’s your turn! Link up your post on the word Complicated anytime this week and include the badge above linked back to this site. The code is available on the sidebar. Please visit a few other posts and show some love. If you are tweeting about your own post or a post you found and love, please use the #whatsyourword hashtag so we can all follow along. If you are seeing the series for the first time, check out the What’s Your Word page for a little more information. If you have a word you know you want to be all yours, just shoot me an email to be the featured post for the week.

Show me your Complicated and get ready for another round.

Next week’s word is Envy.

I know I am not perfect.  I try to be totally content but envy is a part of my life.  Maybe it is a part of yours too.  If you want to be the featured post – just let me know!  I would love to have you!

Now linkup for What’s Your Word?  The Complicated Edition!

The big day was the easy part.  All that planning was nothing compared to real life marriage.  From there it gets complicated doesn’t it?    Two people sharing their lives is never simple.  Then you add children and it’s hard to find time to focus on your marriage or yourself.  At least, for me it has been hard.  I am just starting to get the hang of it. I plan on getting really good at it some day.

I cried watching the royal wedding because I remembered my own wedding day almost 8 years ago.  I thought back.  There have been some very tough times.  I would love to say they are nothing compared to the joy we have together, but I believe that making it through the hard stuff makes our marriage stronger.  Our blessings are bountiful and the trials are making us tough.  I want my marriage to be tough.

While we all drooled over her gorgeous dress and tweeted about her hair and wondered what it would be like to be a Princess (or Duchess), she was getting married.  Just like the rest of us, marrying the man she loves.  Love is the first part, then comes the marriage.  She is a royal now, and a celebrity.  She will be watched by the world in this capacity.  But as a wife, she is a woman, just like us, who is beginning a journey that takes love, compassion, compromise patience and determination.

I love weddings because it is amazing that people love each other enough to take this journey.  We all know, it doesn’t always work, making those vows that much more scary.  Yet we still pledge ourselves to one another.  We still take that leap.  Weddings remind me that taking a risk for love is worth it.

I am going to focus on my marriage just a little bit more each day.  I am going to tell my kids how important it is for Ross and I to have a strong marriage.  I want to look back at that picture of us walking away after our ceremony and always think…I would marry him again in a heartbeat.  I would do it all over for this love.

Congratulations to their Royal Highness’s William and Kate and to all the other people out there who have taken this leap for love.

p.s.  My husband keeps making jokes about marrying a Princess.  I totally did not get the joke until last night.  Guess what his ex-girlfriend’s name is?  Kate Middleton.  Crazy isn’t it?  If I were her I just might want to be called Duchess just for fun now.

Just to name a few…

I waited months for a Cabbage Patch Doll.  In those days you did not get to choose what you got.  You just waited and waited and like I tell my kids now, “You get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit”.

Garbage Pail Kids.  Gross but we all had them against the wishes of our parents.  Smelly Kelley and her friends may have been my first act of real rebellion.

I had Unicorn Gel Stickers on my Trapper Keepers and a sticker collection that was incredible.

I wore Guess Jeans that never fit my always curvy little body.  They either had a zipper on the leg or were fashionably pegged.

I loved my jellies so much I can’t wait to buy them for my own girls.  Yes, they are at Gap Kids.

I rocked a Swatch watch and one awesome Christmas I got a Swatch phone…to go with a phone line in my room.  I know, it was like, awesome.

Legwarmers, well I loved them.  And my gorgeous mom was an aerobics teacher so they were never in short supply.

I thought Gem was truly truly truly outrageous.

I think I learned to roller skate at the same time I learned to ride a bike.  Roller rinks were just so wicked cool.

The list goes on, fads came and went.  I grew up.  Now I have a daughter who is just now starting to beg for the latest and greatest trinket. 

She loves charm bracelets, and I told her she hasn’t seen anything yet.  I had the greatest charm necklace in the world.  I loved it.  It was one of the first fads I embraced.  I thought my necklace was gorgeous.  Actually, I still do. 

I am in 2nd grade here.  That’s my little brother Graham.  He rocked the bowl cut don’t you think?  But the necklace – incredible isn’t it?

Fads may seem silly, but actually, looking back they are part of the fabric of my childhood.  I have a million wonderful memories of my youth that have nothing to do with the latest and greatest, but I find that those fads are a staccato in my timeline.  They make my memories more clear.  I can focus on what I was wearing and see it in photos.  Many recollections begin with laughter about the particular fad I was embracing. 

So, I am cool with letting my kids indulge in some fads.  I did not grow up to be dependent on what other people are doing or lose my own identity in my plastic charms.   I thought I would rage against being a follower in all things, but now I actually have kids.  And well, some of these fads are totally rad.

What did you rock in your youth?  Do you let your kids follow the fads?

Only one popped.  The other one squealed like a baby pig.  I was annoyed and all of a sudden felt nauseous.  I tried everything but could not get it to pop.  Of course I tweeted it and Dr. Twitter was no help.  I know, shocking right?

I decided to get the kids in bed as soon as possible and have a snack and a glass of wine.

I poured myself a bowl of goldfish and a glass of wine and sat down to bemoan my miserable ears.  But I could not taste the goldfish.  I tried other things but I could not taste anything.  Except my wine.  Thank God I can still taste the sweet wine.

Then it hit me.  My mom had a friend with brain cancer who could not taste or smell anything but she could taste wine.  In my fragile state I sort of panicked.

I waited a couple days and took some allergy medication but nothing helped.  My ear popped and then clogged up again.  That squealing noise continued.

I finally took my tush to the doctor fearing the worst but starting to feel very much like spring was upon me.

I was right.  He doubts I have brain cancer but is pretty sure my allergies are kicking my ass early and…get this…I am a grownup with an ear infection.

A flipping ear infection.

So my ears hurt like hell and I now feel for babies and toddlers around the world.  I am sad for their ears and happy that at least I can have a glass of wine.  Poor babies, they can’t.

I am hopeful that I will taste, smell and hear well again soon but until then I will eat very sour candy and have my wine at night.

I will have my wine instead of the Sudafed recommended by the doctor because I now believe that Sudafed is of the devil.  It makes me feel like crap and did not restore any of my valuable senses.

It’s okay to feel bad for me.  The only positive other than the wine is that I can’t smell poopy diapers.

This post is part of Fadra’s Stream of Consciousness Sunday.  It’s a really fun way to let off steam or pour your heart out or just babble for 5 minutes.  No editing, no proofreading…you just hit publish.  Try it out and check out all the other fun posts!

So here it is!  Looks organized, right?  That’s because the top drawer of this little dresser gets opened every day and I push all the junk off the top and into the drawer.  This is the one place where I use my husband’s cleaning philosophy.  I do clean out the drawer pretty regularly, but it seems to always remain full of stuff.

My favorite thing about my nightstand is actually the tiny sparkly chandelier that hangs above it.  I need just a little bit of glamour to be happy and as my day to day life is anything but glamorous, I try to out little pieces of wow around my house.  This is high enough up that the kids don’t touch it and can’t break it.  It also prevents the need for a lamp here and is on a dimmer so I can read all through the night without bothering hubs too much.

I keep my burlwood jewelry box from my husband on my nightstand because I love it.  I know it doesn’t really match but it’s just so pretty.

I always have a pile of house magazines near my bed.  One of my favorite things to do is flip through This Old House and Elle Decor in my bed. 

On top of my magazines is my idea book.  The goal is to jot down blog ideas as they come to me.  For some reason when my head hits the pillow a get a million ideas for the blog.  I write them down or lose them.

That sassy pink case holds my Nook.  Prior to having the Nook you would have seen a giant pile of books.  I am a bibliophile.

On top of the Nook is the best little diary ever.  It is called the Keel’s Simple Diary.  I would love to work with this little company and meet the man behind the book, Phillip Keel. All of the pages have little sayings and multiple choice questions with answers that are both ordinary and profoundly important.  Then there are 1 or 2 open questions you answer or a fill in the blank and you are done.  Little pieces of me are now recorded in this book.  I love it.  I chose Orange, one of my favorite colors.  Check out what the book says this says about me.  I keep this little page in the front cover of the book.  Fabulous, right…I mean I always need The Sound of Music.

I also keep a photo of my first trip to Paris with Ross.  It was my first trip to Paris ever.  I want to go back each and every day.  I want to live there.  I just like to look at it, remember, and dream.  The frame flips around to show a picture of us quite sloshed in Brussels.  We hopped on an e-saver pre-procreation for an unplanned weekend in Europe.  That will not happen again for a very long time.  It makes me smile and reminds me that I am fun.

Hidden behind the photo is my body butter and my lube.  Don’t laugh or judge.  I have been pregnant or breastfeeding for 5 years.  My hormones are all kinds of wacky.  Lube is good.

Sophia’s wand is there and always ends up there.  She likes to sit on my side of the bed to “relax” and I suppose one puts down their wand to do so.

The necklace is a gorgeous crystal that I wear almost every day.  I do not wear a lot of jewelry, but Ross gave me this Baccarat Eclipse pendant when I met him in London and was pregnant with Sophia.  He was working there for a couple of months and my job let me go and join him in the London office.  No one knew I was pregnant, even in our families.  This necklace reminds me of that time and of our special secret and always makes me smile as I think of the wonderful little family we have built.  If you have seen me, you have seen this necklace.  I adore it.

Finally you see the alarm clock that never gets used.  I have 3 kids who wake up at all hours of the night and are up for good at the crack of dawn.  Unless we are waking up for the Disney drive at 4 a.m. this baby is pointless.

Now wasn’t that fun?  Each week there is a new challenge at Adventuroo so check it out and please tell me…what’s on your nightstand?