Well hello friends!  Have you heard that the producers of Project Mom Casting are interviewing mom bloggers for the chance to be on a reality show about the aforementioned awesome online chicks!  I kid you not.   Since I will SO be watching this show I thought it could only be that much better to be on such a wonderfully themed program.  This post is my audition.  There is no casting couch that I know of and being a faithful wife I would have to pass anyway so what follows is my by the books submission.  Wish me luck!

{By wishing me luck I really mean…} Feel free to tweet this to the masses, share it on facebook and tell those awesome producers on their facebook page that you would love to see my circus on the tube!  They want to see me rally my readers and fans so if you are a lurker and thought one day you might comment or like me on facebook – now would be a lovely time for you to do so.  That’s enough of my begging.  I must retain some dignity if I’m gonna be on T.V. and all! 

Yeah, right.

My Official Submission (Wouldn’t My Husband Love to Hear That) in 498 Words

This is what I look like.  That calm smile has a direct link to the bottle of wine behind me and the older children keeping my children busy while I drank it.  The man is the cutie I convinced to marry me.  And then give me 3 kids in 3 years.  Yep – It’s a circus around here.

In One Line:  I share my circus of exceptional chaos hoping we can come together, laughing or crying, on the most real journey I can think of:  Motherhood.

What is my story?    

I am Brittany and I am a Project Mom.  My whole life I have thought in terms of  big plans, extensive tasks and major undertakings.  Motherhood is my greatest challenge, my priceless gift and the most important project of my life.  I blog about all of it while I try to do it all.

My Grand Scheme is was to somehow find the perfect balance of being a mom, a wife, a friend, a blogger, a helper, a traveler and a DIY project nut.   I am comfortable sharing all of these misadventures with my readers and friends, and (of course) revealing that perfect balance is not possible and probably not as fun either.

I love to laugh and I hope you laugh with me.  That’s why I show you pictures of me sticking a flashlight and an ipod down my underpants in an effort to DIY turn my breech baby.  I also let my kids milk me. Wouldn’t that make for some kick ass reality T.V.? 

I know the value of sharing stories of pain and the courage to overcome obstacles with friends and I have found that my online friends provide a fabulous shoulder to cry on.  A terrible miscarriage brought me online and the friends I made literally kept me going.  I feel constantly embraced and strengthened by my online friendships.

I build things.  With power tools.  Then I show you how.  I love making things with my hands and am determined to keep my passion for DIY alive even with 3 tiny ones in the house.  How much more reality show perfect can I get with all this DIY wonder!  I finished Miles’ toddler bed the night before Violet was born.  Ah the power of a prego’s nesting instinct!

I have discovered the power social media has to make positive changes in our communities and I am proud to work with Huggies on the Every Little Bottom campaign and the Hebrew National Better Than a Picnic project.   My online voice is making a difference!

I am totally honest about the completely un-sexy parts of motherhood and the times when things are a little lackluster.  I showed you my day after baby belly.  I’m all about keepin’ it real around here! 

I find pure joy in the chaos and I post mad pictures of my kids and stories of our life.  This is about sharing my unique story. I am totally ready for a Project Mom reality.

Pick Our Mommy Please!

This is the last of five posts over ten days as part of Momalom’s Five for Ten.  We are all writing about the same topics in an honest effort to get to know one another better and make more connections.

Our first topic was Courage.   The second was Happiness.  The third was memory.  The forth was Lust. Today’s is Yes! 

If you are already a regular Mommy Words visitor, I hope you enjoy these posts.  If you are here as a part of the Five for Ten, welcome!  I can’t wait to get to know you.

Something must have scared the crap out of me at some point because I am not the “try anything” girl I used to be.   I have gone from the adventurous (not with food) gal who was always up for something new and fabulous to being nervous about a double date with my husband.  I kid you not.  Something is wrong. 

I used to possess a gumby like flexibility that allowed me to be cool with auditioning for musicals that I got (and didn’t get), dropping everything at any hour for live music dressing in a glittering gown and attending a ball.  I used to laugh hysterically all the time as I thrust myself into new experiences, went out on limbs to make new friends and said yes to most of the things that came my way.  I had a hell of a lot of fun.

Now I am a coiled up ball of rigid likes and dislikes and I feel like I am choking.  God, I said it.  I said what has been on my heart for years.  I need to address the questions my darling husband asks me all the time because I ask them too.   I want to bring back the crazy girl he married.  We both liked that girl a lot…and I think the kids wouldn’t mind if I shared a little crazy with grownups.  There will be a few things I will not bring back because people with children just don’t roll that way, but otherwise, I know it is game on for me.  I need to find my yes man or risk losing that part of myself.

I think it starts with just saying yes to simple things and not backing down with some silly excuse.  I am not the only mom I know who does this.  I sit around saying how much I need a girl’s night and then as it approaches I put up my own roadblocks.  I’m really tired or the kids have left me very crabby or I feel like I have nothing left to give at the end of the day…and so we reschedule.  Over and over.  There goes the girl’s night.

Update:  I interuppted the writing of this post to participate in said activity at a very lively upscale restaurant and bar.  I put on makeup and a nice shirt.  I rocked some tight jeans and high heeled boots.  I drank wine and 8 of us girls spoke of things other than children.  I almost did not go.  I am so glad I did.

In addition to girl’s nights I want to say yes to romance, yes to a date night where I change my clothes for it and we actually leave the house.  So what if the kids have left me with a couple extra pounds?  My husband thinks I am hot in my jammies so it could only help to brush my hair and wear a short skirt right?  As part of this romance I am going to make out in the car again.  It was always fun, always silly and always totally hot.  It is also something I have had a stick up my butt about for awhile now.  If I am going to bring back the lust – I’m going to need to say yes to a little teenage like action.  It won’t hurt if it makes me feel young again either.

I have scheduled a babysitter for tomorrow but I am already nervous.  I’ve become some sort of strange prude.  I will shake it off before tomorrow and get my car nookie going

I will say yes to myself and start doing things I always liked to do, things that I miss.  I am going to get back into singing lessons so when the kids are a little older I can audition for musicals again and be on stage.  I miss it.  I am going to go hiking more because I love it and it has been too long.  I am going to say yes to the little hippie that is left inside me and get rid of my boring clothes and try to always have a little funk in my look, because that’s the way I feel like me.  The little things will make a big difference!

It all sounds so easy, but I have become a very scheduled and boring person along the way.  I have stopped saying yes and started to back away from anything risky and fun.  It is going to be hard to chill out and roll with the punches and see where it takes me.  I think great things can happen when you open your heart to new things and open your mouth and just say YES!

Like this post? Don’t want to miss a Mommy Words Moment? Then subscribe via RSS or by email to get all the latest from this Mom’s mouth! You can also use the social buttons below to add this post to your favorite sites or send it to your friends. Please spread the MOMMY WORDS!

This is third of five posts over ten days as part of Momalom’s Five for Ten.  We are all writing about the same topics in an honest effort to get to know one another better and make more connections.

Our first topic was Courage.   The second was Happiness.  Today’s is Memory.

If you are already a regular Mommy Words visitor, I hope you enjoy these posts.  If you are here as a part of the Five for Ten, welcome!  I can’t wait to get to know you.

Many people laugh when they hear all the places we take our very young kids.  Some say “Why go through the hassle?  They won’t remember”.  Some people’s mouths drop open.  There are even crazies who imply we “force” them to do things they aren’t old enough for.  I say…as my mom said before me…”PSHAW!”

My kids are 3, 2 and 15 weeks. I readily admit, I do not remember the days before about my 4th birthday, but I am sure glad my mom did not  think it was a waste to take me to the zoo or a museum for the first 4 years of my life just because my little brain might not forever remember blowing out my first birthday candles or petting my first goat or walking into my first day of pre-school.  Likewise, I’m sure glad she decided to have me at all, seeing as I don’t remember my birth and all.  I think I probably liked being born and all that birthday cake and goat petting and stuff.

We drag take our tots as many places as possible because I believe that even if they don’t remember, these experinces help their precious minds to grow.  Going lots of places also  aids in social development and has helped me to teach important lessons about acceptance, patience and even money!  As an extra benefit, the more active we are, the less bored I am and the more likely it is they will nap.  I am not the only one who thinks that really cool experiences plus a really great nap makes for great days. Right?

Yes, it is often tiring and takes a lot of planning.  Yes, sometimes we have massive meltdowns and contemplate never leaving the house again.  Yes, these trips are primarily for the kids and usually lack the sort of relaxation and fruity cocktails that are nice on a vacation day.  But I have no regrets.  I just have thousands of wonderful memories.

I capture all of our experiences with my camera or Flip Video and we spend lots of time picking out our favorites, making albums and sending them to family and friends.  We re-live all of our experiences by talking about each trip for days on end.  Many therapists think this kind of repetition, where children learn the words to associate with their experiences, will actually help them remember.

I have to honest here.  While they may not remember, I WILL.  If I am wrong and my kids do not get any social, intellectual or physical benefits from all of our activities over the past 3 years, I am creating memories that will last for my whole life.  These experiences with my kids are precious to me as I see them open their eyes and hearts to the world around them and watch the huge smiles spread across their little faces.

In the spirit of getting to know me, here are some of my favorite memories with my kids out and about the country.

We alwasys go to the zoo.  Actually, I think we go to every zoo and aquarium whenever we are within 90 minutes of one.  Asheboro, Columbia, Charleston,  Baltimore, New Orleans, San Antonio, Orlando…where there are animals you will find us!  We have done this since Sophia started pointing to animals.  The kids love animals and have a fabulous time.  I have a ball watching them have a ball.  It makes us all happy!   How could I miss this excitement on Sophia’s face at 1?

A 1 year old thinks it is pretty awesome and very silly when a gorilla picks his nose and eats it.  So do I.  You should never get so old that this does not make you giggle.  And your kids are almost never too young to find this funny.

At the Reston Zoo in Virginia, Miles got licked by this camel when he tried to kiss it.  Unforgettable and yes, he stil tries to kiss animals.  Sheep, cows, horses…he has smooched ‘em all.

We usually go to Charleston, S.C. for New Years and find so much to do with the family.  When Sophia was 2 and Miles was 8 months old we went to Patriots Point, home of the U.S.S. Yorktown aircraft carrier and TONS of airplanes.   We explored the ship and then ran around the flight deck on a cold winter morning.  It was wonderful!

I loved taking the kids to the Angel Oaktree believed to be more than 1500 years old.  It is enormous at 25 feet in circumference and providing 17,000 square feet of shade.  It is also breathtakingly beautiful.

We rocked Washington D.C. while visiting my mom last year and hit the best parts for little kids in most of the National museums.   The National Building Museum was the kids’ favorite.  Why?  You can actually build things and run around in this giant open hall!

The Smithsonian and the Natural History Museum were not far behind.  We all had a BLAST at the National Air and Space Museum.  Little kids are pretty impressed by big airplanes and oh yeah..space ships.  We learned how to dye wool at Mount Vernon and watched a sheep being shorn.  She may not really remember it, but I will remind her how cool she thought the Washington Monument is…even at 3…she could see that Obelisks pretty much rock.

Our best and most recent trip was to Disney World.  After4 days, 3 parks and thousands of pictures I would say we made memories that will last a lifetime.

So now you know.  My tagline really could be Have Kids…Will Travel. 

I think we can make wonderful memories with our kids in much simpler ways too.  We are blessed to have family in so many wonderful places and be able to travel with our kids to add these very special experiences to thir early years.

I would love to hear where you have made your favorite family memories and would LOVE to hear what your child’s earliest memory is.  I mean come on – is there any chance they will remember any of this?

Like this post? Don’t want to miss a Mommy Words Moment? Then subscribe via RSS or by email to get all the latest from this Mom’s mouth! You can also use the social buttons below to add this post to your favorite sites or send it to your friends. Please spread the MOMMY WORDS!

This is second of five posts over ten days as part of Momalom’s Five for Ten.  We are all writing about the same topics in an honest effort to get to know one another better and make more connections. Our first topic was Courage.  The second is Happiness.  If you are already a regular Mommy Words visitor, I hope you enjoy these posts.  If you are here as a part of the Five for Ten, welcome!  I can’t wait to get to know you.

After my post on my sister’s courageous decision to give her children up for adoption and all the tears I shed thinking about motherhood and family and grief, I was nervous about approaching this topic.  I wasn’t sure I had it in me.

Then I looked at my kids and they were laughing hysterically over touching each other’s belly buttons.  I started laughing too and showed my belly button.  They laughed even harder and so did I.  (These are the only people I will allow to laugh at my belly.)  I asked them if they were happy and Sophia said “I’m Crazy Mommy!” Miles just said “Ha-hee” (he drops all consonants) and continued to giggle.  They are, and I am, Crazy Happy.  Happy about everything…and nothing at all…except our funny bellies of course.

I remembered my childhood and I remembered my mother and most of all, I remember how she spent each and every day making us crazy happy about something while (now I know) she and my father struggled with their marriage, their bills, their 4 kids…you know…grown-up stuff.  Kids don’t have to and shouldn’t have to deal with all that crap so they can easily giggle for hours about any ol’ thing.  This is precious stuff.

This is the kind of happiness that becomes so hard to grasp as an adult.  I want to focus on the little things that make me smile, make me giggle, and yes, make me snort with glee.  I want to want to delight in the many blessings I have.  I have a hunk of a husband who loves me.  I have 3 ridiculously awesome children.  I have a wonderful (if slightly dysfunctional) family.  I have good friends.  I have love and laughter in my life every single day.

Still, I am a grownup with giant overwhelming STUFF in my life that tries to suppress my joy.  You are probably a similar grownup with these emotional, financial or physical demons.  Let’s let it go…just a little.

Let the happiness in.  Let go of all the tough stuff for a bit.  Focus on the things that give you pleasure, if only for a moment.  Focus on that CRAZY HAPPY we all found as children and let it back in.  It feels good to laugh hysterically and gasping for breath, realize that things aren’t so bad you can’t take a moment and be happy.

Here is my CRAZY HAPPY look, circa 1983, with my baby brother Graham.  Thanks Mom, for giving me so many years of hysterically wonderful moments.  I cherish them.  You are a rock star and you still make me happy every single day.

I’m gonna bring back this part of myself, even if it takes a glass of wine to do it.  I will, however, avoid pigtails now that I am a grownup.  I am not sure I can rock this look anymore.

Like this post? Don’t want to miss a Mommy Words Moment? Then subscribe via RSS or by email to get all the latest from this Mom’s mouth! You can also use the social buttons below to add this post to your favorite sites or send it to your friends. Please spread the MOMMY WORDS!

This is the  first of five posts over the next ten days as part of Momalom’s Five for Ten.  We are all writing about the same topics in an honest effort to get to know one another better and make more connections. Our first topic is Courage. If you are already a regular Mommy Words visitor, I hope you enjoy these posts.  If you are here as a part of the Five for Ten, welcome!  I can’t wait to get to know you.

This is the hardest post I have ever written. It is taking great courage to write it and to post  for people to read who may not know me and may have difficulty understanding the situation.  My courage is nothing compared to my sister’s, who gave me permission to share this story and had the courage to live it.

A year ago I said goodbye to my 4 year old niece and nephew at the airport.  My heart broke into a million little pieces as they left, with my baby sister Katie, their birth mother,  to meet their forever family.  It almost killed me.  I can’t even imagine the courage it took for Katie to bring her babies to to their new parents.  I don’t know how she said goodbye.  I just know that she dug deep and sacrificed her own desires to give her kids a stable and secure forever home.  A home she could not give them herself.

The twins were born at 32 weeks gestation when Katie was 23 years old.  They were unplanned miracle babies.  The tiny babies spent a month in the NICU after they were born by emergency c-section.  Katie almost died after the surgery and spent a week in the ICU while doctors attempted to figure out why her lungs had collapsed and whether or not her heart was strong enough to be released.  My mom was in the delivery room and was the first to hold the babies.  I arrived at the hospital after a 6 hour drive to find alarms going off in Katie’s room and watch as doctor’s rushed to save her life.  Katie developed pneumonia and could not visit the twins, so for the first few days my mom and I wore the NICU bracelets and embraced the babies as often as the nurses would let us.  They were her first grandchildren.  They were beautiful.  When Katie’s pneumonia was gone, I wheeled her to hold her infant children the first time.  I thought my heart would explode.

Katie was determined to keep her twins, but from the very beginning it was much easier said than done.  As a single mom of twins with no college degree and no job after being on bed rest for most of her short pregnancy, her options seemed limited.  She moved in with my husband and me to begin getting her life back together.  We went to social services to make sure the twins had medicaid and WIC for their super expensive special formula.  Katie saw how single moms with no money lived while we waited for hours to be given a meeting time.  I remember her telling me she needed to figure out how she could give them everything they deserved and get out of the social services system. Over the years we spent many hours and days at Social Services.  Each moment there was heart breaking.  I remember wondering how she would be able to make a life for herself while taking care of 2 high maintenance preemies. 

I was right to be worried.  While I know it was possible, it never happened.  The stress of being a single mother was more than Katie bargained for.  She began to have serious panic attacks and lived with severe anxiety most of the time.  Her blood pressure was constantly elevated.  She sometimes struggled for breath.  I struggle for words to express how excruciating it was to watch her little family, to watch her struggle to provide and to be a good mother, to watch her wonder if she had made the right choice.

Over the years Katie and her twins lived with us off and on as rent payments were often impossible to make and jobs impossible to keep.  She was always trying to find something that worked with her small children.  She started her own cleaning company but became frustrated with all the last minute cancellations and inability to budget the actual money that would come in.  I paid for her to get her nurses assistant certification but from the beginning she had trouble finding a daycare that could take the twins in time for her to check in at the hospital by 6:45 a.m.  I was at a loss.  I didn’t have any brilliant ideas.

The only jobs she ever found that made enough were jobs at bars, working into the middle of the night.  Moms should not have to work these jobs.  For Katie, working at bars brought her back to her life before kids and she had trouble making the right decisions for her family.  She began to befriend the late night crowd and started to feel like her only connections to society were the bar crawlers she met.  She didn’t have mommy friends.  She barely had any friends with day jobs.  In truth, she had very few real friends at all.  She started to drift away.   The late night parties and lifestyle of her single life came back with a vengeance as she reconnected with the only crowd she had been comfortable with before the birth of the twins.

We, her family, could see that we were losing her, and that she needed to make a major change in her life to be a great mom to her kids.  The whole family was together for Christmas in 2008 and the situation was the worst it had ever been.  Katie had no job and we were paying for her to live in a home near us.  The kids spent as many nights here as they did in her home and we watched as her mental health deteriorated and real depression took hold of her life.  She did not seem like my baby sister anymore.  She was a mother in need of serious help. 

With the family gathered, we confronted her in my living room the morning after Christmas about her lifestyle and the choices she was making.  As a family and with all the love in our hearts, we expressed our real belief that at almost 4 years old, her kids would soon be very aware that their mother was not providing them with the safe and secure life they deserved.  I want to be very clear on this.  She always loved them with all of her heart, but that love was not enough to defeat the demons in her life.  With a mixture of  terrible anger and tears of sorrow, Katie screamed. She said she knew we hated her and ran out the front door. 

In the time she was gone, we discussed the future.  We knew both that Katie needed help and that her kids needed a family.  At that point, I thought that Ross and I could be that family.  The twins had been with us since they were born.  Our house was their house.  Our kids were like siblings.  They played together, slept together, ate together.  The twins welcomed Sophia and Miles when each was born.  In my own heart, I felt like they were my children too.  I took them everywhere with us.  They had the same childhood as my own children when we were together.  We went to zoos.  We took music classes.  They were 2 happy little people.  In this time of extreme pain, I thought we could be the solution.

When Katie came back, I think she thought we could be the solution too.  She could go somewhere to get herself better and we could be the family the kids needed.  She admitted that she was not in a place to be a good mother to her kids as much as she wanted to be.  She needed real help.  That admission was the beginning of a new conversation, one that would lead those beautiful children to a home that was not ours.

We were all, save my husband, naive.  It turns out that in family adoptions are often not the best solution at all.  You see, the problem was, they were not my kids.  They were my sister’s.  What seemed so simple would be very confusing for them and much more complex than we ever imagined.  To put it as simply as possible, counselors told us that the twins would most likely have trouble figuring out who their mom was and might struggle to feel permanence in this situation.  They would wonder if and when they were going back to their mom.  They would question whether or not our home was really their forever home.  As small children, they would not understand the tough love their mommy Katie needed to heal herself and why she could not be a part of their lives.  In addition to the children’s struggle, as adults we would need to set strict boundaries for Katie as we tried to build our new family.  She would not be allowed to be a part of it for some time and if we adopted her kids, I would be their mom first instead of her sister first.   We were overwhelmed with love and sorrow and confusion.

With all the help my sister needed and our real desire for the twins to have the best possible life, the counselor suggested we consider an open adoption.  She told us that Katie needed her family’s full support to make a change and that it would be very difficult to do this while bringing the twins into our home.  She also told us there were many families that were interested in open adoptions of older children where Katie and the rest of our family could remain a part of their lives.

At first it was unthinkable to imagine our lives without those precious children in them.  They were, and always will be, in my heart each and every day.  While we cried and cried and Katie felt the situation spinning out of control, she somehow found a calm place in her soul and asked me if we could talk about the possibility.  She was honest for the first time about her pain and suffering and the major changes she needed to make in her life.  She told me all the things she wished her kids had and that she wanted them to have a life like my kids filled with friends and activities and opportunity.  She was brutally honest with me and with herself about the limitations of love in providing the kids of home she wanted for her kids.  She also said that she wanted them to be proud of her one day and that she needed to make a huge change in her life for that to ever happen.  She really did, and does, love them with all of her heart, and that love gave her the strength to do what was best for her kids, even though it broke her heart.  That love gave her the courage to find a forever home for her children that was not hers…or mine.

The next few months flew by with unbelievable speed.  The adoption agency had hundreds of families who were interested in getting to know more about us and the twins and who wanted an open adoption.  We couldn’t believe it.  It was both sad to read all those profiles and absolutely wonderful to learn that so many people wanted to make older children a part of their homes.  We had massive numbers of psychological tests with the twins and just as many special memory days spent with their cousins to make our time with them as wonderful as possible. 

I will never know as a mother what it feels like to choose a new Mommy and Daddy for your children.  I know for Katie, it would have been an out of body experience except the pain was so real that the profiles were quickly soaked with our tears.  In those pages of pictures and information though, Katie found hope for her children.  She found just a few families that seemed like a good fit for her babies and her desires for them.  We cautiously contacted the adoption agency to set up phone calls with these families.  We had a list of questions.  We had a list of desires.  We were terrified. 

We found a family that wanted what we wanted.  We found a young couple about my age with no kids who wanted to adopt older children.  They had a similar belief system and they wanted an open adoption.  They liked our profile and our family.  They wanted the twins to maintain contact with my family and my kids from the very start.  They wanted them to know their birth mother and have communication and visits with her in the future.  Katie chose this family to be what she could not. 

Katie wrote down everything she could think of about her babies and what she wanted and I called the couple to tell them about their future son and daughter.  Through muffled tears I told them everything about Katie’s kids that she could think of since they were born.  She wrote stories about them and went through their strengths and weaknesses but also conveyed their likes and dislikes, their fears and desires, the names of each of their stuffed animals, and even their favorite colors.  She tried, through me, to give this couple as much of the kids as she could so that they could make them as comfortable as possible from the very beginning.

As the day for thier departure drew near, every experience with Katie and her twins seemed surreal.  I started thinking this is the last time about everything we did.  I think Katie was in a mild state of shock at this point.  I don’t know what other state she could have been in.  I felt like I was choking every time I spoke and it was difficult to hold back tears when I saw them, talked to them or touched them.

On their last night here we were busy packing and talking about their new mommy and daddy.  This was, to this day, one of the hardest things I have ever done.  It is part of the transition – to prepare them for their new home.  We sat and talked about their new family, their new rooms, their new doggie.  We told them about the weather where they were going and how far away it was from Sophia.  Katie told them that she loved them dearly and that she loved them so much that she found the very best mommy and daddy that she could but that she would always be their birth mother and that should they ever need anything she would be there.   She told them that they would always be in her heart and that they would always be the most important thing in her life.  She told them they were so important that she found them the most wonderful forever home in the world. 

This is true.  She did what a mother is supposed to do.  She did the best thing for her children – not herself.  She would have loved to have these two beautiful kids around her, loving her, forever.  But she was not at a place where she could be a good parent – and that is what they needed more than anything.  Katie had the courage to see this.

I took Katie and the twins to the airport on a lovely April morning in 2009 and on the curb I hugged them for the last time, my tears flowing freely.  She flew with them and said goodbye to them in their new city as she was introduced to a transition family that would help them get into their new home.  She had to sign many papers on this day, each of which caused her immeasurable pain.  She has told me she wanted to run out and get them.  She wanted to keep them forever.  She wanted to run away with them.  She told me she would have if she could but she could barely breathe when she thought of how she would support them, that the panic attack she had when she imagined herself failing as their parent actually allowed her to sign those terrifying papers.  If I had been there – I might not have been as strong.  After signing the papers she got on a plane and went to live with our brother and figure out what to do to fix her life.

When I thought about the subject, Courage, my sister displayed more courage in this act than I have ever seen before.   She had the courage to admit she was not in a lace where she could be a good parent.  She had the courage to put her children before herself.  She had the courage to give them what they deserved. 

Katie’s babies will be in her heart forever.  She had their names tattooed on her arm as a constant reminder to make something of her life they could be proud of.  It has been a little over a year since they left us and Katie has had the courage to make a change.

Memorial Day weekend my sister Katie will graduate from Marine Corps basic training and she will be a U.S. Marine.  She took complete control of her life and chose to serve her country and make her kids proud.  The twins and their new mommy and daddy have been writing her in boot camp and drawing her pictures.  I cannot express how proud I am of my baby sister and how she has turned her life around.  Every letter I get from her she tells me that every ounce of her strength comes from thinking of her twins, safe and happy with their new family and knowing that she is finally doing something they can look up to.  She no longer has to be ashamed.  She doesn’t have anxiety attacks anymore.  She is becoming both physically and mentally strong. 

After graduation, Katie will see her twins again for the first time.  She will meet their new parents face to face for the first time.  We are flying to see them with Sophia and Violet.  They are excited to see their “Birth Mommy Katie” and ask her about the Marines.  They are excited to see their Aunt Brittany and Cousin Sophia and meet the new baby.  They have been talking to Sophia all year and they want to see how tall she is and talk to her about things like princesses and gymnastics.  We are all going to a baseball game.  I hope it will be wonderful and that I don’t cry though the whole thing.  While the kids are all super-excited, I am pretty sure all of the grown-ups are as petrified as I am.  We are just going to take it slow and make it as fun for the kids as possible. 

The new family assures us through regular pictures, emails and phone calls that the kids are doing really well and that they are healthy and happy.  The twins keep pictures of both their new family and their birth family in their rooms.  They have a life book where they put notes and letters we send them.  We are overjoyed at their happiness, but we will always live with the pain of losing them.  Katie will always be aware that day to day she does not have her kids with her.  She hopes that seeing them thrive will give her the certainty that she made the right decision.  I pray she is granted this wish.  She deserves to know they are in the right place.

For all her courage as a mother in a way we never expected, I applaud my baby sister.  For all her courage as a woman after giving up what was most precious to her and doing something good with her life, I am proud of her.  For all her weaknesses as a sister and a friend while she was in her darkest hours, I forgive her.

I love you Katie, and I am proud of you.  You will always be my best friend and my baby sister.  I will carry the memories we made with our families close to my heart forever and look forward to making more.  They are lucky to have a birth mother who had the courage to love from afar.

Note:  This may not be the most well written post, but when I saw the Momalom word was courage, I knew I had to finish it and get some of these feelings out or risk never writing about this experience.  I will certainly go back and revise my words, perhaps condense what has turned out to be a very long post.  Please forgive any errors in this first draft of my feelings.  I wanted to share a part of my family’s story and add my view on one more attribute of a good mother.  I will continue to post about adoption and the enormous courage it takes on both the birth family and adoptive family fronts.  This has been a life changing experience for all of us, and one that has made our hearts break open and become even larger.  Thank you for coming on this emotional journey with me.

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Before I got pregnant I was all about surfing the web, but I never shared anything about myself on the Internet.  When I got knocked up and was going through that LONG 12 week wait to tell people, I figured out pretty quickly that I could spill the beans online and chit chat about my little fetus to my heart’s content.

It started with What to Expect and Baby Center message boards.  I met so many incredible women and felt a sense of comfort and complete lack of embarrassment sharing my feelings as I progressed through the months of my first pregnancy.   I had a forum to ask and answer questions, whine about aches and pains and husband stuff and generally just be myself.  With no fear.  I dove in and have never looked back.

After I had Sophia I stayed on my boards and  just gabbed away about life with a newborn and very mundane daily living.  Everyone was talking about the same stuff.  Boobs, Babies, Poop…the usual.  It was comforting to have a place to share all the little stuff.  But really, it ended up being so much more.

When I had my first miscarriage at 10 weeks in the hospital and had one of the worst nights of my life laying cold and alone and bleeding  in the hallway outside the ultrasound room, I was emotionally depleted and completely at a loss.  I turned to my message boards and was given an amount of love and compassion that amazed me and was so happy that I had made these friends.  I am so thankful that I had these women.  No one knew I was pregnant other than my husband, my sister and my mother.  The only friends that I could share my grief with were online.  

The girls I knew referred me to a miscarriage and loss board that saved my life, emotionally speaking.  This is the point at which I began to pour my guts out online, and I will never regret exposing myself to these women.  Without them I would not have known how to talk about my feelings and really work through my grief.  I don’t know what I would have done without their support.  This was more than 2 years ago and I continue to include these women and their angel babies in my prayers.  Having women who understood what I felt was so important at that time in my life.  This was the first time that I learned that my online friends were my real life friends.  We shared phone numbers and email addresses.  I got text messages sending hugs and pick me up notes.  I am lucky I had that support system.

When I started TTC ing (Trying to Conceive) again I found a group of extraordinary women called The Luckies and I can’t even express how fabulously awesome these chicks are.  They support each other through years of fertility treatments, through BFP (big fat positive) hits and misses, through fertility charting and so much more.  They are there for the whole process – from tryingto get pregnant to having the baby to breastfeeding to going back to work to trying for another baby.   I met so many wonderful friends on the Luckies boards and believeme – I share everything with them when I am on.  Now, years after I found them, many of us are on our 2nd or 3rd pregnancies and the girls actually met in Vegas for a weekend!  I wish I had been there!  Luckies – I know I am not on as much anymore but I am sending you TONS of baby dust and lots of hugs and kisses!

When I look back, I see that my babies brought me online.  My babies helped me to make friends with other women and join the cyber community before they were even born.  I did not even glance at blogs at this point, but I had found the tip of a very amazing iceberg in these communities of women.  It was only a matter of time until I started to read blogs…and just a bit longer until I would start my own.

How did you first start sharing yourself online?  Are your online relationships as important to you as mine are?  I would love to hear from you!

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I participated in the National Blog Posting Month for the first time in November and I was successful.  It was HARD.   There were some posts I dis not like.  There were some weekend days where I think no one was online and I posted for nothing.   There was a day when we were at the beach and I had to post from my blackberry with almost no service and it took me more than an hour to post the two or three sentences.   I don;t think that blogs must have daily posts to be successful at all.  But it made me proud to do it and it was a form of personal discipline that I needed after being out of “the office” for almost 2 1/2 years now.   Then, in December, I only posted 6 times.  Granted, the posts were short novels but still, my lack of commitment is embarrassing. 

I decided that I need some commitment to post while my life is so crazy or I just don’t ever hit publish – even when I write.   Therefore, despite the fact that I am having a baby this month I jumped in for January and I am happy that I did.  I am already re-connecting with people and enjoying my blogging again and I am starting to have great IDEAS again for posts this year.  One idea breeds another and for me, writing more is a very good thing.  Also,  writing helps me to process my emotions and thoughts and figure out what is going on with me, making me a better motehr, a better friend and a better blogger.

Long term I want to commit to posting 5 times per week but here and there I will be participating in this awesome group!  I am participating for January 2010 and barring extreme circumstances I will be posting each and every day this month.  Oh, I just know you are drooling!

The theme for January is BEST.   How perfect.

I am now saying, despite all of my worries and fears, that this will certainly be one of the BEST months of my life.  Our family will grow with the birth of our little girl.  There is simply nothing better for me than the birth of a baby.  The fact that this one is mine makes it all the better.  I am ecstatic that I am blessed enough to have a wonderful husband and 2 healthy children in my home already.  I am now going to be triply blessed with this baby.  No matter how difficult my fertility journey has sometimes been (I struggled with miscarriage) I know that I am so blessed to be able to have these babies and I thank God each and every day.

So…

For this new month and this new year…

For this new baby and for Sophia and Miles

For my husband Ross

For my family and for my friends and for my community

I want to be the BEST I can be.  I will strive to be the BEST MOM I can be, the BEST WIFE I can be, the BEST FRIEND I can be, the BEST SISTER AND DAUGHTER I can be and even the BEST CITIZEN I can be.  

It is so simple and yet  it is always so hard to really be your best self.   I know I will struggle and stumble and fall but as long as I keep reminding myself of all that I am blessed with and all that I have to offer I think I will definitely turn out to be better at all of the roles I play – even if I’m not always the BEST. 

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My Girls - Mom and Sophia!

Her mother.

And I got mine today.  I am barely posting by midnight because my best friend and very own mom got here today and I have been busy being a total baby and telling her all of my hopes and fears and getting mom hugs and all that crap.  You know the really good hugs.  The really comforting ones that are from the woman who raised you since you were a baby and who scratched your back and sang you songs and wiped away your tears and cried with you.

My mom understands how scared I am for this little baby.  She understood how much I am going to miss Sophia when she goes to New Orleans with her dad on Friday.  I have only been away from my little girl for a total of less than one week since she was born.   My mom totally got why, since my husband invited 10 people over for Thanksgiving, I needed to go buy some nice things for a festive tablescape.  She also explained this to my wonderful husband so I did not end up in tears about a table setting.  My mom was as excited as I was to find sets of 12 white plates at Target with a little gold band around the edge for $14.99.  They so helped my table!

My mom knew exactly what I needed and today, it was just her.  She smells good, as always, like light baby powder and soft perfume.  She is peppy and perky and positive, and I needed that.  Neither Ross or I am perky.  She is a good listener and talker.  She has known me forever and today that is what I needed.

I adore my husband.  I cherish my friends.  My kids are my life.  But today I needed my mommy.

I am considering crawling into bed with her for a good Sing ‘n Scratch for old times sake.  My mom has a gorgeous voice and always has great manicured nails for scratchin’!  But then she might find out I am complete loon, and I don’t want her to think that she raised a kook!

I am thankful for all my blessings.  Today, most of all, I am thankful for my mom.

Before I had kids, I loved football.  That is because we used to go to a lot of games.  Almost every week they played.  And get good seats.  And get pretty drunk.  Please see evidence above.  Panthers game.  Club Seats.  Lots of Beer.  Raining and we don’t care.  Clearly childless and carefree. 

This was all possible for 2 reasons.  First, because we could spend the money that now goes to keeping our kids alive and healthy and happy on kick ass ridiculous things like expensive football seats and $5 beers.  Second, because we did not have to come home or wake up and take care of any small children who needed us to be sober and highly functioning adults. 

Those cute little creatures are quite a buzzkill huh?

By the way, my wonderful husband still goes to games.  I am the babysitter.  He does not get all tipsy at them though because he knows that when he comes home it is GAME ON – pre-school style!

Do you have a Before I had Kids story?  I would love to hear it!  This will be a regular new weekly post of mine and I expect that the list is so long it could last through the next year or so!  Please play along with the Before I Had Kids game.  It’s okay – we know you love them – we all just want to know what you loved to get yourself into before they were tops on your agenda!  Make sure to leave a link so we can all check it out!  Uh-oh – I may have to get myself a McLinky thing! 

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Autumn is my favorite season and usually each day of fall I thank my lucky stars that I am not dripping with sweat or freezing my tush off.  Sweater weather is my absolute favorite thing and with legs as white as mine – pants and tights rock my world. 

Despite the season, I have been a little down in the dumps lately, as you may know.  I am keeping up with my silly feelings and my hours (or lack thereof) of sleep on a daily basis for my OB and I to talk about the possibility that I may be suffering from mild pre-partum depression.   I will make sure to be open and honest about this with you as I figure it all out.  Right now I am just trying to get some good sleeping hours and figure out how to be happy about all my blessings.  My boo hoos make me feel stupid because I know how wonderful I have it.  I truly do. 

Today I was feeling super down and overwhelmed for no particular reason and then I went to my computer to download pics from the week and I found this pic of my little Miles surrounded by fall. 

My Little Man Loves the Leaves

My favorite little boy.  My favorite season.  Sunshine and warm thoughts.  I genuinely smiled.  I walked outside and my husband and kids were riding bikes towards me on the street and Miles beamed from his trike and yelled mama!  Surounded by falling leaves, he came to me and gave me a huge hug.

I was genuinely happy for the rest of the day.  Children are little miracles and have enormous power to cheer, to heal and to show love.  My baby gave me my smile back today.  I was able to enjoy a fall day with my family.  I am thankful.

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