Sophia is almost 4 and likes to hang with the older crowd. She prefers the cool 5 and 6 year olds to kids her own age and thus is constantly wondering when she will lose her first tooth and meet the amazing tooth fairy. She knows exactly what to look for and daily feels her teeth to see if any are wiggly. This girl is ready to say goodbye to those babies and get some big girl toofers and more importantly, the tooth fairy prize.

She made a little video explaining the process and the aforementioned prize. Show this to your kids if they are wondering how this exciting process works.  The best part?  Our tooth fairy brings pennies!  I just love it – the tooth fairy is on a budget too!

Yes, I know that she will realize a penny does not buy much and at some point will ask for the big money or a Wii or something our tooth fairy cannot afford. I’m thinking of telling her that our tooth fairy has fallen on hard times and see how she takes the news.

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Our kids’ bathtub is now officially full as sweet Baby V joined Sophia and Miles for her first big girl bath.  I would say it was a huge success.  Usually she creams for every minute of being in the water in that baby tub.  Lately I felt so bad I have just had Ross hand her to me in the shower.  This is actually very easy and a great time saver!  However, she was ready for the bath seat and the kids have been begging to get her in on the bath time fun so I acquiesced.   As you can see, while there were no tears – she looks a little nervous and unsure of this new adventure.  I repeat – NO TEARS – this is an improvement!  I call this success and can’t believe all my kids are now close to being able to play together!  Time is flying by!    First a bath – then Kindergarten – then college.  Cue Tears.

"Look Mom, No Tears!"

Violet is certainly not starving herself these days and is one chubby and happy little camper as soon as baths are over.  Just so you can see that I did not traumatize my baby, note her smiling.

"Can You Even Get the Towel Around My Belly?"

Stay tuned for her next exciting milestone.  I believe she is almost ready to sit up on her own.  Crazy, I know.  You just can’t wait! I love that being a mommy blogger I am actually cool with posting this stuff and thinking people might read it.  Everybody loves chubby babies right?

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We let our beautiful dog Madeline go to heaven last Monday.  I started this post then but I have been too emotional to finish it.  It was so unexpected. I did not get to say goodbye. She was almost 10 and we thought she had years left. We were wrong. You just never know. This is my goodbye to my first baby girl. 

Animal Hospital Card with Madeline's Paw Print

Just a week before she was still running around and running away.  She was still playful and barking and rolling around in the grass.  She loved to run at lightning speed out the door so unsuspecting visitors felt like they had to stay and try to find her.  Always looking for attention, my Maddie.  Then it got really, really hot and Maddie stopped running.  She had her physical and they said she was fine, just tired from the heat and a little older – but healthy as far as they could see.  She slowed down significantly in the days before July 4th and then, on Independence Day, she stopped moving.  She did not bark once at the fireworks she always hated with a passion.  She just laid on the kitchen floor and did not even try to get to her place on the couch or laying by my bed.  We brought water to her mouth and she barely drank.  We knew something was wrong, and we thought she had been bitten by a snake or had an infection.

The morning of July 5th Ross carried Maddie to the car because she could not walk.  I gave her a big kiss before I got on the road to watch my sister graduate from Marine Combat Training at Camp LeJeune.  Only 2 hours into the drive Ross called me with the shocking news that Maddie had cancer.  Cancer that filled her gall bladder and had spread to her lungs.  Cancer that caused something in her body to rupture and create massive internal bleeding.  Cancer that stopped her from walking, stopped her from barking and in the end, stopped me from saying goodbye.

The vet said that when the internal bleeding started the pain started and that while we could have opted for a $5000 surgery to try and stop the bleeding we would not be able to treat the cancer, as widespread as it was.  She recommended that we put Madeline to sleep.  I asked if they could wait until I returned the next day to say goodbye to my baby but she said that Maddie was in such pain that the delay would be inhumane.  Because the last thing in the world I wanted was for Madeline to be in pain, I agreed that Ross and Miles would say goodbye for me and for Sophia.

Ross took a last picture of Madeline on her stretcher after they said goodbye.  He said he cried when he kissed her. 

Our First Girl, Madeline

I could not help myself. I cried so much in the car that I had to pull over.  I told Sophia that Maddie had to go to heaven and we talked about it, and we cried together.  I am glad I had her with me.  It was hard, but she is a strong little girl and we hugged each other and talked about how happy Madeline would be in dog heaven.

Still, I was devastated.  This may sound silly, but I wanted to tell her how much I loved her and spend some time with her without the kids to tell her that even though I hadn’t paid as much attention to her since I had Sophia and Miles and Violet, that she was my first baby and that I loved her deeply.  I wanted to say thank you to her for being absolutely wonderful with all of the babies.  She never bit or scratched.  She never got angry with them.  She loved their hugs and kisses, even when they were rough.  She cuddled with all of us.  I wanted to say that I was sorry I got angry with her when she pooped all over the floor in the weeks before her death.  Had I known she was sick, things would have been so different.  I know that she knew I loved her.  I know that she had a wonderful and happy life with us.  I just wanted a little quiet time with her to say my goodbyes.

I did not know until she was gone what a huge part of my life she was and I will hold all of my memories close and remind myself that we never know how long we have with any animal or any friend or family member.  I hope that I will let her memory teach me to treat every day I have with my loved ones as a gift, because that is exactly what every day is.

So Goodbye Old Friend, and thank you for 10 wonderful years as your mommy.  We were so lucky to have you in our lives.

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Sophia announced with pride that she had cleaned her play kitchen. I was ecstatic as I have been trying to get her to really clean up for a very long time.  I wanted to see this immaculate masterpiece.  She stood in front of the doors and said “Look, All Clean Mom!”  Her words said one thing but her stance said another.

All Clean Mom!

 I asked if she could show me her kitchen and she told me I did not need to see the kitchen, just the floor in front of the doors.  I knew something was awry.  I asked how she cleaned the kitchen and she informed me with pride that it was “Just the way Daddy showed me”.  Houston, we have a problem.  Daddy has no idea how to pick up.  His mantra is out of sight, out of mind.  I give you Exhibit A.  No further exhibits are needed.

Daddy Showed Me How!

My husband showed her how to shove all her crap into whatever closet or bucket or niche was nearby and shut the doors.  He showed her how to hide the mess, not clean it up.  This is why he never knows where his stuff is.  I asked her why she did not clean her kitchen the way I do.   I was really curious.

A Clean Kitchen

She said cleaning that way is boring and takes too long.

Yeah babe – but my way actually puts things back where they belong so you don’t lose pieces or have things fly out of the closet when you open it.  My way is the mommy way and my way is the way we clean up around here.  Daddy is not so good at cleaning.  He fakes it.  This is like telling a lie.  You don’t want to tell a lie, do you?

Sophia said “No, but I like fun things and that is not very fun.”

Really?  Shocker.  Welcome to my world.  Wait until you have kids.  I am so going to say “I told you so.”

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I would never let my husband do this in a million years.  I mean absolutely never.   I never thought I would let anyone do it, but this morning that all changed.  I let my kids milk me. 

I was using a hand pump to get a little milk for baby Violet for her morning nursery time and Sophia asked if she could help.  I said no and she said I told her she could help to give Violet milk when she started using a bottle.  I said you can help with the bottle, not the milking. 

Then she asked me if it was gross?  Well, I do not want my kids to ever think that anything about breastfeeding is gross.  I want them to understand that I make milk for my babies and that I am proud of my commitment to breastfeeding through all of the struggles I have had.  I want them to think that it is totally normal for a mommy to milk herself like a cow.  And so I let her try.   I was muttering inappropriate words in my head.  I mean what the hell was I doing?  Then Miles cried, saying it was his turn.  What the heck…the more the merrier right?   

Both Sophia and Miles successfully milked me.  They were so proud that they made Violet’s milk.  I don’t know if I was proud at the moment as much as relieved it was over.  From now on I will pump a little more privately than in the playroom.

Since it was definitely a first (and hopefully a last) we took pictures! 

Sophia is Pumped!

Proud Pumper

I truly hope you are laughing and not gagging.

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As promised, dear readers, I rode the bull at the Hebrew National Better-Than-A-Picnic yesterday.  I was one of only a handful of adults that braved this stunt in broad daylight without the help of a couple drinks in some bar.  Totally sober – I did this for you – and I actually loved it!  And now, for your enjoyment, the video.

Yes, I had to fall off because the F word was about to come flying out. I had already yelled “CRAP”, a word we do not use in front of the kids if possible (sometimes it is not possible) and the only word I could think of as the bull sped up was the F word.  So I fell off and forgot that the kids were watching and thought I was hurt.  Needless to say they did not let me ride the bull again and I scared them too.  I totally missed the fact that a 2 and 3 year old might not get that falling off was funny.  You get it though.  You are allowed to laugh…I look ridiculous!  And it feels faster than it looks.  Just sayin’…

Other than the 97 degree day the picnic was wonderful.  The kids all had a fabulous time making birthday cards for homeless children, riding the bull, and eating wonderful Hebrew National hot dogs.  They really were awesome, by the way.

The Airbus Before the Picnic...Mmmm...Hot Dogs!

While I loved the bull,

One Handed - Oh Yeah!

Miles loved him more.  He rode three times!  For a 2 year old I thought he really rocked it out!

Ride 'Em Cowboy!

While the mechanical bull was the most fun we have had in awhile, the best part of the day was meeting fellow bloggers and getting gift donations for Birthday Blessings.  I want to thank The Motherhood and Hebrew National for putting together picnics that give back to our community.

It was certainly Better-Than-A-Picnic!

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The number of hours I have been away from Violet since she was born.

     The number of hours I have spent with Violet since she was born.

Need I say more?  This is literally a full time job.  And I have 2 other kids. At the current $7.25 minimum wage this would be worth $16,530.  Annually I would be paid $49, 590 per year.  However, this is no minimum wage job.  It takes skill to multi task like a mom.  Chef, Chauffeur, Teacher, Caretaker, Amateur Nurse, Entertainer, Event Planner, Stylist and giver of tons of hugs and kisses.  If I worked like this for any actual company I would be making some serious dough.   Sadly, I make no actual money for this high ranking position. 

It’s a good thing I’m happy being paid in tiny laughs, cuddles, coos and smiles.

Give me your math!  Misery Overwhelming joy loves company!

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This is third of five posts over ten days as part of Momalom’s Five for Ten.  We are all writing about the same topics in an honest effort to get to know one another better and make more connections.

Our first topic was Courage.   The second was Happiness.  Today’s is Memory.

If you are already a regular Mommy Words visitor, I hope you enjoy these posts.  If you are here as a part of the Five for Ten, welcome!  I can’t wait to get to know you.

Many people laugh when they hear all the places we take our very young kids.  Some say “Why go through the hassle?  They won’t remember”.  Some people’s mouths drop open.  There are even crazies who imply we “force” them to do things they aren’t old enough for.  I say…as my mom said before me…”PSHAW!”

My kids are 3, 2 and 15 weeks. I readily admit, I do not remember the days before about my 4th birthday, but I am sure glad my mom did not  think it was a waste to take me to the zoo or a museum for the first 4 years of my life just because my little brain might not forever remember blowing out my first birthday candles or petting my first goat or walking into my first day of pre-school.  Likewise, I’m sure glad she decided to have me at all, seeing as I don’t remember my birth and all.  I think I probably liked being born and all that birthday cake and goat petting and stuff.

We drag take our tots as many places as possible because I believe that even if they don’t remember, these experinces help their precious minds to grow.  Going lots of places also  aids in social development and has helped me to teach important lessons about acceptance, patience and even money!  As an extra benefit, the more active we are, the less bored I am and the more likely it is they will nap.  I am not the only one who thinks that really cool experiences plus a really great nap makes for great days. Right?

Yes, it is often tiring and takes a lot of planning.  Yes, sometimes we have massive meltdowns and contemplate never leaving the house again.  Yes, these trips are primarily for the kids and usually lack the sort of relaxation and fruity cocktails that are nice on a vacation day.  But I have no regrets.  I just have thousands of wonderful memories.

I capture all of our experiences with my camera or Flip Video and we spend lots of time picking out our favorites, making albums and sending them to family and friends.  We re-live all of our experiences by talking about each trip for days on end.  Many therapists think this kind of repetition, where children learn the words to associate with their experiences, will actually help them remember.

I have to honest here.  While they may not remember, I WILL.  If I am wrong and my kids do not get any social, intellectual or physical benefits from all of our activities over the past 3 years, I am creating memories that will last for my whole life.  These experiences with my kids are precious to me as I see them open their eyes and hearts to the world around them and watch the huge smiles spread across their little faces.

In the spirit of getting to know me, here are some of my favorite memories with my kids out and about the country.

We alwasys go to the zoo.  Actually, I think we go to every zoo and aquarium whenever we are within 90 minutes of one.  Asheboro, Columbia, Charleston,  Baltimore, New Orleans, San Antonio, Orlando…where there are animals you will find us!  We have done this since Sophia started pointing to animals.  The kids love animals and have a fabulous time.  I have a ball watching them have a ball.  It makes us all happy!   How could I miss this excitement on Sophia’s face at 1?

A 1 year old thinks it is pretty awesome and very silly when a gorilla picks his nose and eats it.  So do I.  You should never get so old that this does not make you giggle.  And your kids are almost never too young to find this funny.

At the Reston Zoo in Virginia, Miles got licked by this camel when he tried to kiss it.  Unforgettable and yes, he stil tries to kiss animals.  Sheep, cows, horses…he has smooched ‘em all.

We usually go to Charleston, S.C. for New Years and find so much to do with the family.  When Sophia was 2 and Miles was 8 months old we went to Patriots Point, home of the U.S.S. Yorktown aircraft carrier and TONS of airplanes.   We explored the ship and then ran around the flight deck on a cold winter morning.  It was wonderful!

I loved taking the kids to the Angel Oaktree believed to be more than 1500 years old.  It is enormous at 25 feet in circumference and providing 17,000 square feet of shade.  It is also breathtakingly beautiful.

We rocked Washington D.C. while visiting my mom last year and hit the best parts for little kids in most of the National museums.   The National Building Museum was the kids’ favorite.  Why?  You can actually build things and run around in this giant open hall!

The Smithsonian and the Natural History Museum were not far behind.  We all had a BLAST at the National Air and Space Museum.  Little kids are pretty impressed by big airplanes and oh yeah..space ships.  We learned how to dye wool at Mount Vernon and watched a sheep being shorn.  She may not really remember it, but I will remind her how cool she thought the Washington Monument is…even at 3…she could see that Obelisks pretty much rock.

Our best and most recent trip was to Disney World.  After4 days, 3 parks and thousands of pictures I would say we made memories that will last a lifetime.

So now you know.  My tagline really could be Have Kids…Will Travel. 

I think we can make wonderful memories with our kids in much simpler ways too.  We are blessed to have family in so many wonderful places and be able to travel with our kids to add these very special experiences to thir early years.

I would love to hear where you have made your favorite family memories and would LOVE to hear what your child’s earliest memory is.  I mean come on – is there any chance they will remember any of this?

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This is second of five posts over ten days as part of Momalom’s Five for Ten.  We are all writing about the same topics in an honest effort to get to know one another better and make more connections. Our first topic was Courage.  The second is Happiness.  If you are already a regular Mommy Words visitor, I hope you enjoy these posts.  If you are here as a part of the Five for Ten, welcome!  I can’t wait to get to know you.

After my post on my sister’s courageous decision to give her children up for adoption and all the tears I shed thinking about motherhood and family and grief, I was nervous about approaching this topic.  I wasn’t sure I had it in me.

Then I looked at my kids and they were laughing hysterically over touching each other’s belly buttons.  I started laughing too and showed my belly button.  They laughed even harder and so did I.  (These are the only people I will allow to laugh at my belly.)  I asked them if they were happy and Sophia said “I’m Crazy Mommy!” Miles just said “Ha-hee” (he drops all consonants) and continued to giggle.  They are, and I am, Crazy Happy.  Happy about everything…and nothing at all…except our funny bellies of course.

I remembered my childhood and I remembered my mother and most of all, I remember how she spent each and every day making us crazy happy about something while (now I know) she and my father struggled with their marriage, their bills, their 4 kids…you know…grown-up stuff.  Kids don’t have to and shouldn’t have to deal with all that crap so they can easily giggle for hours about any ol’ thing.  This is precious stuff.

This is the kind of happiness that becomes so hard to grasp as an adult.  I want to focus on the little things that make me smile, make me giggle, and yes, make me snort with glee.  I want to want to delight in the many blessings I have.  I have a hunk of a husband who loves me.  I have 3 ridiculously awesome children.  I have a wonderful (if slightly dysfunctional) family.  I have good friends.  I have love and laughter in my life every single day.

Still, I am a grownup with giant overwhelming STUFF in my life that tries to suppress my joy.  You are probably a similar grownup with these emotional, financial or physical demons.  Let’s let it go…just a little.

Let the happiness in.  Let go of all the tough stuff for a bit.  Focus on the things that give you pleasure, if only for a moment.  Focus on that CRAZY HAPPY we all found as children and let it back in.  It feels good to laugh hysterically and gasping for breath, realize that things aren’t so bad you can’t take a moment and be happy.

Here is my CRAZY HAPPY look, circa 1983, with my baby brother Graham.  Thanks Mom, for giving me so many years of hysterically wonderful moments.  I cherish them.  You are a rock star and you still make me happy every single day.

I’m gonna bring back this part of myself, even if it takes a glass of wine to do it.  I will, however, avoid pigtails now that I am a grownup.  I am not sure I can rock this look anymore.

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This is the  first of five posts over the next ten days as part of Momalom’s Five for Ten.  We are all writing about the same topics in an honest effort to get to know one another better and make more connections. Our first topic is Courage. If you are already a regular Mommy Words visitor, I hope you enjoy these posts.  If you are here as a part of the Five for Ten, welcome!  I can’t wait to get to know you.

This is the hardest post I have ever written. It is taking great courage to write it and to post  for people to read who may not know me and may have difficulty understanding the situation.  My courage is nothing compared to my sister’s, who gave me permission to share this story and had the courage to live it.

A year ago I said goodbye to my 4 year old niece and nephew at the airport.  My heart broke into a million little pieces as they left, with my baby sister Katie, their birth mother,  to meet their forever family.  It almost killed me.  I can’t even imagine the courage it took for Katie to bring her babies to to their new parents.  I don’t know how she said goodbye.  I just know that she dug deep and sacrificed her own desires to give her kids a stable and secure forever home.  A home she could not give them herself.

The twins were born at 32 weeks gestation when Katie was 23 years old.  They were unplanned miracle babies.  The tiny babies spent a month in the NICU after they were born by emergency c-section.  Katie almost died after the surgery and spent a week in the ICU while doctors attempted to figure out why her lungs had collapsed and whether or not her heart was strong enough to be released.  My mom was in the delivery room and was the first to hold the babies.  I arrived at the hospital after a 6 hour drive to find alarms going off in Katie’s room and watch as doctor’s rushed to save her life.  Katie developed pneumonia and could not visit the twins, so for the first few days my mom and I wore the NICU bracelets and embraced the babies as often as the nurses would let us.  They were her first grandchildren.  They were beautiful.  When Katie’s pneumonia was gone, I wheeled her to hold her infant children the first time.  I thought my heart would explode.

Katie was determined to keep her twins, but from the very beginning it was much easier said than done.  As a single mom of twins with no college degree and no job after being on bed rest for most of her short pregnancy, her options seemed limited.  She moved in with my husband and me to begin getting her life back together.  We went to social services to make sure the twins had medicaid and WIC for their super expensive special formula.  Katie saw how single moms with no money lived while we waited for hours to be given a meeting time.  I remember her telling me she needed to figure out how she could give them everything they deserved and get out of the social services system. Over the years we spent many hours and days at Social Services.  Each moment there was heart breaking.  I remember wondering how she would be able to make a life for herself while taking care of 2 high maintenance preemies. 

I was right to be worried.  While I know it was possible, it never happened.  The stress of being a single mother was more than Katie bargained for.  She began to have serious panic attacks and lived with severe anxiety most of the time.  Her blood pressure was constantly elevated.  She sometimes struggled for breath.  I struggle for words to express how excruciating it was to watch her little family, to watch her struggle to provide and to be a good mother, to watch her wonder if she had made the right choice.

Over the years Katie and her twins lived with us off and on as rent payments were often impossible to make and jobs impossible to keep.  She was always trying to find something that worked with her small children.  She started her own cleaning company but became frustrated with all the last minute cancellations and inability to budget the actual money that would come in.  I paid for her to get her nurses assistant certification but from the beginning she had trouble finding a daycare that could take the twins in time for her to check in at the hospital by 6:45 a.m.  I was at a loss.  I didn’t have any brilliant ideas.

The only jobs she ever found that made enough were jobs at bars, working into the middle of the night.  Moms should not have to work these jobs.  For Katie, working at bars brought her back to her life before kids and she had trouble making the right decisions for her family.  She began to befriend the late night crowd and started to feel like her only connections to society were the bar crawlers she met.  She didn’t have mommy friends.  She barely had any friends with day jobs.  In truth, she had very few real friends at all.  She started to drift away.   The late night parties and lifestyle of her single life came back with a vengeance as she reconnected with the only crowd she had been comfortable with before the birth of the twins.

We, her family, could see that we were losing her, and that she needed to make a major change in her life to be a great mom to her kids.  The whole family was together for Christmas in 2008 and the situation was the worst it had ever been.  Katie had no job and we were paying for her to live in a home near us.  The kids spent as many nights here as they did in her home and we watched as her mental health deteriorated and real depression took hold of her life.  She did not seem like my baby sister anymore.  She was a mother in need of serious help. 

With the family gathered, we confronted her in my living room the morning after Christmas about her lifestyle and the choices she was making.  As a family and with all the love in our hearts, we expressed our real belief that at almost 4 years old, her kids would soon be very aware that their mother was not providing them with the safe and secure life they deserved.  I want to be very clear on this.  She always loved them with all of her heart, but that love was not enough to defeat the demons in her life.  With a mixture of  terrible anger and tears of sorrow, Katie screamed. She said she knew we hated her and ran out the front door. 

In the time she was gone, we discussed the future.  We knew both that Katie needed help and that her kids needed a family.  At that point, I thought that Ross and I could be that family.  The twins had been with us since they were born.  Our house was their house.  Our kids were like siblings.  They played together, slept together, ate together.  The twins welcomed Sophia and Miles when each was born.  In my own heart, I felt like they were my children too.  I took them everywhere with us.  They had the same childhood as my own children when we were together.  We went to zoos.  We took music classes.  They were 2 happy little people.  In this time of extreme pain, I thought we could be the solution.

When Katie came back, I think she thought we could be the solution too.  She could go somewhere to get herself better and we could be the family the kids needed.  She admitted that she was not in a place to be a good mother to her kids as much as she wanted to be.  She needed real help.  That admission was the beginning of a new conversation, one that would lead those beautiful children to a home that was not ours.

We were all, save my husband, naive.  It turns out that in family adoptions are often not the best solution at all.  You see, the problem was, they were not my kids.  They were my sister’s.  What seemed so simple would be very confusing for them and much more complex than we ever imagined.  To put it as simply as possible, counselors told us that the twins would most likely have trouble figuring out who their mom was and might struggle to feel permanence in this situation.  They would wonder if and when they were going back to their mom.  They would question whether or not our home was really their forever home.  As small children, they would not understand the tough love their mommy Katie needed to heal herself and why she could not be a part of their lives.  In addition to the children’s struggle, as adults we would need to set strict boundaries for Katie as we tried to build our new family.  She would not be allowed to be a part of it for some time and if we adopted her kids, I would be their mom first instead of her sister first.   We were overwhelmed with love and sorrow and confusion.

With all the help my sister needed and our real desire for the twins to have the best possible life, the counselor suggested we consider an open adoption.  She told us that Katie needed her family’s full support to make a change and that it would be very difficult to do this while bringing the twins into our home.  She also told us there were many families that were interested in open adoptions of older children where Katie and the rest of our family could remain a part of their lives.

At first it was unthinkable to imagine our lives without those precious children in them.  They were, and always will be, in my heart each and every day.  While we cried and cried and Katie felt the situation spinning out of control, she somehow found a calm place in her soul and asked me if we could talk about the possibility.  She was honest for the first time about her pain and suffering and the major changes she needed to make in her life.  She told me all the things she wished her kids had and that she wanted them to have a life like my kids filled with friends and activities and opportunity.  She was brutally honest with me and with herself about the limitations of love in providing the kids of home she wanted for her kids.  She also said that she wanted them to be proud of her one day and that she needed to make a huge change in her life for that to ever happen.  She really did, and does, love them with all of her heart, and that love gave her the strength to do what was best for her kids, even though it broke her heart.  That love gave her the courage to find a forever home for her children that was not hers…or mine.

The next few months flew by with unbelievable speed.  The adoption agency had hundreds of families who were interested in getting to know more about us and the twins and who wanted an open adoption.  We couldn’t believe it.  It was both sad to read all those profiles and absolutely wonderful to learn that so many people wanted to make older children a part of their homes.  We had massive numbers of psychological tests with the twins and just as many special memory days spent with their cousins to make our time with them as wonderful as possible. 

I will never know as a mother what it feels like to choose a new Mommy and Daddy for your children.  I know for Katie, it would have been an out of body experience except the pain was so real that the profiles were quickly soaked with our tears.  In those pages of pictures and information though, Katie found hope for her children.  She found just a few families that seemed like a good fit for her babies and her desires for them.  We cautiously contacted the adoption agency to set up phone calls with these families.  We had a list of questions.  We had a list of desires.  We were terrified. 

We found a family that wanted what we wanted.  We found a young couple about my age with no kids who wanted to adopt older children.  They had a similar belief system and they wanted an open adoption.  They liked our profile and our family.  They wanted the twins to maintain contact with my family and my kids from the very start.  They wanted them to know their birth mother and have communication and visits with her in the future.  Katie chose this family to be what she could not. 

Katie wrote down everything she could think of about her babies and what she wanted and I called the couple to tell them about their future son and daughter.  Through muffled tears I told them everything about Katie’s kids that she could think of since they were born.  She wrote stories about them and went through their strengths and weaknesses but also conveyed their likes and dislikes, their fears and desires, the names of each of their stuffed animals, and even their favorite colors.  She tried, through me, to give this couple as much of the kids as she could so that they could make them as comfortable as possible from the very beginning.

As the day for thier departure drew near, every experience with Katie and her twins seemed surreal.  I started thinking this is the last time about everything we did.  I think Katie was in a mild state of shock at this point.  I don’t know what other state she could have been in.  I felt like I was choking every time I spoke and it was difficult to hold back tears when I saw them, talked to them or touched them.

On their last night here we were busy packing and talking about their new mommy and daddy.  This was, to this day, one of the hardest things I have ever done.  It is part of the transition – to prepare them for their new home.  We sat and talked about their new family, their new rooms, their new doggie.  We told them about the weather where they were going and how far away it was from Sophia.  Katie told them that she loved them dearly and that she loved them so much that she found the very best mommy and daddy that she could but that she would always be their birth mother and that should they ever need anything she would be there.   She told them that they would always be in her heart and that they would always be the most important thing in her life.  She told them they were so important that she found them the most wonderful forever home in the world. 

This is true.  She did what a mother is supposed to do.  She did the best thing for her children – not herself.  She would have loved to have these two beautiful kids around her, loving her, forever.  But she was not at a place where she could be a good parent – and that is what they needed more than anything.  Katie had the courage to see this.

I took Katie and the twins to the airport on a lovely April morning in 2009 and on the curb I hugged them for the last time, my tears flowing freely.  She flew with them and said goodbye to them in their new city as she was introduced to a transition family that would help them get into their new home.  She had to sign many papers on this day, each of which caused her immeasurable pain.  She has told me she wanted to run out and get them.  She wanted to keep them forever.  She wanted to run away with them.  She told me she would have if she could but she could barely breathe when she thought of how she would support them, that the panic attack she had when she imagined herself failing as their parent actually allowed her to sign those terrifying papers.  If I had been there – I might not have been as strong.  After signing the papers she got on a plane and went to live with our brother and figure out what to do to fix her life.

When I thought about the subject, Courage, my sister displayed more courage in this act than I have ever seen before.   She had the courage to admit she was not in a lace where she could be a good parent.  She had the courage to put her children before herself.  She had the courage to give them what they deserved. 

Katie’s babies will be in her heart forever.  She had their names tattooed on her arm as a constant reminder to make something of her life they could be proud of.  It has been a little over a year since they left us and Katie has had the courage to make a change.

Memorial Day weekend my sister Katie will graduate from Marine Corps basic training and she will be a U.S. Marine.  She took complete control of her life and chose to serve her country and make her kids proud.  The twins and their new mommy and daddy have been writing her in boot camp and drawing her pictures.  I cannot express how proud I am of my baby sister and how she has turned her life around.  Every letter I get from her she tells me that every ounce of her strength comes from thinking of her twins, safe and happy with their new family and knowing that she is finally doing something they can look up to.  She no longer has to be ashamed.  She doesn’t have anxiety attacks anymore.  She is becoming both physically and mentally strong. 

After graduation, Katie will see her twins again for the first time.  She will meet their new parents face to face for the first time.  We are flying to see them with Sophia and Violet.  They are excited to see their “Birth Mommy Katie” and ask her about the Marines.  They are excited to see their Aunt Brittany and Cousin Sophia and meet the new baby.  They have been talking to Sophia all year and they want to see how tall she is and talk to her about things like princesses and gymnastics.  We are all going to a baseball game.  I hope it will be wonderful and that I don’t cry though the whole thing.  While the kids are all super-excited, I am pretty sure all of the grown-ups are as petrified as I am.  We are just going to take it slow and make it as fun for the kids as possible. 

The new family assures us through regular pictures, emails and phone calls that the kids are doing really well and that they are healthy and happy.  The twins keep pictures of both their new family and their birth family in their rooms.  They have a life book where they put notes and letters we send them.  We are overjoyed at their happiness, but we will always live with the pain of losing them.  Katie will always be aware that day to day she does not have her kids with her.  She hopes that seeing them thrive will give her the certainty that she made the right decision.  I pray she is granted this wish.  She deserves to know they are in the right place.

For all her courage as a mother in a way we never expected, I applaud my baby sister.  For all her courage as a woman after giving up what was most precious to her and doing something good with her life, I am proud of her.  For all her weaknesses as a sister and a friend while she was in her darkest hours, I forgive her.

I love you Katie, and I am proud of you.  You will always be my best friend and my baby sister.  I will carry the memories we made with our families close to my heart forever and look forward to making more.  They are lucky to have a birth mother who had the courage to love from afar.

Note:  This may not be the most well written post, but when I saw the Momalom word was courage, I knew I had to finish it and get some of these feelings out or risk never writing about this experience.  I will certainly go back and revise my words, perhaps condense what has turned out to be a very long post.  Please forgive any errors in this first draft of my feelings.  I wanted to share a part of my family’s story and add my view on one more attribute of a good mother.  I will continue to post about adoption and the enormous courage it takes on both the birth family and adoptive family fronts.  This has been a life changing experience for all of us, and one that has made our hearts break open and become even larger.  Thank you for coming on this emotional journey with me.

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