We have an interfaith family.  Ross is Jewish and I grew up Christian as a P.K. (preacher’s kid).  We fell truly madly deeply in love and got married anyway in a gorgeous interfaith ceremony that I am sure not everyone enjoyed as much as we did.  The ceremony was not in a church or a temple.  It was full of faith and love and respect.  It was perfect for us.

We have not completely figured out exactly how we are raising our kids although we get asked all the time.  Yes, we have a lot of conversations about faith and religion.  Yes, like with many parenting choices, we are taking things day by day and trying to be the best parents we can be.  No, we are not sure we are going to do it all right.  But we will try.

It turns out most pre-schools are at churches or temples (at least anywhere near us) so we had to step up our day to day plans a little bit to deal with the kids being exposed to religion by people other than us in a religious setting. 

The kids go to pre-school at a church and as the school year begins again I find myself thinking about our family and our faith.  We found out last year that many people know next to nothing about Judaism and this made us feel vulnerable.  What would the teacher say if Sophia asked a religious question?  Were we losing all control at 3 years old?   How would we make her comfortable with who she is and how would we even know if it affected her?

Kids get asked questions about what being Jewish is and we decided to provide our kids with simple answers that would help them feel comfortable and help their teachers understand what Judaism is – at least what Judaism is to a pre-schooler.

During the holiday season, we spoke to her teachers about Hanukkah and Sophia came with me to talk to them about how she was saying the blessings and lighting the candles each night.  As Hanukkah marks the re-dedication of the Second Temple of Jerusalem after it was destroyed by the King of  Syria and commemorates the Miracle of the Oil, there is nothing about the holiday that is problematic for Christians and so I felt it was wonderful to share this part of our family’s faith.  This year she will bring a Menorah to show what it looks like and maybe even say something about why we have one.  The kids talked about Jesus being born and what was said was simple and straightforward.  We were okay through Christmas.  We talked about the different holidays and celebrations and made it through without a scratch.

Easter is the holiday that is the absolute hardest for an interfaith family, and I would expect for Jewish families with children almost anywhere other than at the temple.  Easter is about Jesus and the miracle of his resurrection and at this point discussions about the divinity of Jesus and the expectations of Messiah and the idea of the Trinity come to mind and go far above the minds of a pre-schooler.  In fact, many adults struggle to talk about this subject with people of differing faiths.  I am not debating theology here, but simply stating the obvious – this is a tough interfaith subject.

Every week in school the kids work on a new letter and bring something to Show and Share that starts with that letter.  As it turns out the letter Y fell right around Easter.  I was a little nervous about what we were going to say to Sophia and about what they were going to teach and do in her class.  Actually, I was really nervous.  I wanted to voice my concerns without offending anyone or seeming like the dim wit who didn’t get that I sent my kid to a church for pre-school.  I did it with a letter.

Besides a Yo-Yo I could not think of many things that were portable beginning with Y.  Then Sophia walked by wearing a Yarmulke from our wedding and I remembered how beautiful – absolutely beautiful – the Jewish faith is.   We talked about the Yarmulke and I knew that I could express the importance of Judaism in our lives by allowing her to take that to school for her show and share.  The Yarmulke is not one of the most important parts of Judaism but is certainly one of the most recognizable.  Wearing a head covering is a sign of respect in Eastern cultures and wearing a Yarmulke shows respect for G-d.  It is also worn as a reminder that G-d is always above you.  For a 3 year old, this was a concept that is easy to grasp and for a Christian teacher, this showed some of Sophia’s life in an interfaith family and is simply a beautiful thought.

Sophia was proud to bring her Yarmulke to school and I, as a Christian mother, was proud to see her with no fear when she presented her Jewish faith to her class.  We were also okay with the simple Easter story the school used and talked about it at home but at 3 – she did not really have any questions. 

I know things will get harder but I am determined to teach my kids about our faiths and other faiths around the world so that they feel embraced by the many different people in the world and not embarrassed that they are different.

We are starting with simple things like learning how different people celebrate and how they dress and slowly but surely we are talking about what people believe.  It is scary but exciting as well.

I am muddling through my thoughts on this every day and in this post and to be honest probably muddling through the parenting as well but I am trying my best. 

Whether you are interfaith or one faith or no faith at all – how do you teach your kids about the world and the beliefs in it?  How do you approach faith in general?  Did you come to conclusions about  the faith of your kids before you had them?  Did they change once you had them?  Let’s talk!

I have so many questions and would love to share ideas and opinions (respectful opinions) as we begin this journey in faith education.

I can’t tell you how ready we were for school to start today. We have been waiting and planning and talking and…waiting some more. We went on Monday thinking it started. Oops! We jumped the gun…2 more days of waiting. This morning we woke up ready.

Clearly Sophia and Miles were pumped.

Hooray! School Starts Today!

We wore red, white and blue because I am a total sucker for matchy kids at this age and think it hides some pretty tough toddler photography issues but also because hey – this is our Independence Day!

My kids are like some sort of uber-social Hollywood kids that think a day without other kids is akin to a day down there…you know…in hell.  With constant requests for play dates and kid walks and dinner with other kids and summer multi family field trips a mom can get a little tired…and a lot ready for school!

Come On Mom, Let's Go!

Even Violet gets to go thanks to the morning nursery that our pre-school has and I am so very thankful they have it.  If you haven’t heard, Violet does not nap.  You heard me; she is a 7 month old who every once in awhile snoozes for 15 minutes once in a day but otherwise is awake and…get this…jumping.  She does not like to sit.  She does not like to lay on the floor.  She only likes to eat and jump.  She can be in the exersaucer or jumperoo or you can hold her while she pounds your legs with her little feet and makes baby dinosaur screeches at the top of her enthusiastic lungs.  She is an absolutely adorable ball of energy.  She might be a tiny superhero – we shall see.  My arms are tired – the 3 hours in the nursery may mean I get to keep my sanity.

Violet's a School Girl Now!

Instead of taking real school pictures for me we played funny games and made funny faces at mommy’s new camera.

Ha Ha Mommy - Try This Face on Your Blog!

Then the kids asked for a picture of them in their backpacks – the hit of the summer – and actually were great subjects when I was taking pictures of their backs!

Shiny New Backpacks!

We don’t worry about tears around here – my social nutballs thrive in the crazy pre-school environment.

Miles is in the 2′s with Miss Dana.  She is AWESOME and the mother of Miles’ bestest friend in the whole wide world.  He has been talking non-stop about him all summer.

Miles and Miss Dana

Sophia is all the bees knees as a girl in the 4′s this year!  The leaders of the pre-school pack baby!  She and Miss Julia will rock it out this year, I’m sure!

Sophia and Miss Julia

See – no tears!  They had a great day and while I spent my morning organizing coupons and grocery shopping for a big neighborhood playdate I am hosting tomorrow I swear that on Friday I will nap.  Maybe for the whole morning.

Because I must celebrate my awesome kids and their independent spirits as well as my own mini Independence time in the mornings!

Have your kids started school?  Do you have any big plans for those precious hours?  Do your kids like it?  I would love to hear your school experiences!

I admit, I never thought it would happen, but I cried at the kids’ pre-school today.  We got all ready for the first day of school.  We packed lunches.  We wore cute outfits.  We talked about our teachers and how excited we were to see our friends again.  We attempted to take first day pictures for our memory books.  I imagined 3 hours to get things done in silence and maybe even take a nap.  The whole family was excited!

That excitement was short lived.  Ross and I argued over the light for the pictures because we were tired and probably a little crabby and ready for school to start.  The kids fought over who would hold Violet and the picture above is the best we got.  I got irrationally annoyed that my 3 kids – all under 3 – could not get a professional looking photograph because they could not stop arguing and sit still for one minute.  I admit it – my nerves were (are) frayed.  I over-reacted.  But I kept thinking there is only 1 first day of school each year – and we have to capture it.

Surprise!

Turns out I am a fool.  Ross kept saying Monday and I kept thinking today was September 1, not August 30.  We pulled up to the pre-school and there was some sort of event going on for a local college.  There was no drop-off line.  There were not teachers.  I pulled out my blackberry and looked at the date.  August 30.  There was no school today.

As much as I love my kids, as I pulled out of the parking lot, I cried.  I am tired…really tired.  It might sound wrong but 2 more days seems like a lot right now.  I have nothing planned for kids and a lot of things I will have to push back.  The kids were hysterical because of our mistake so they cried too.   To be honest, I think we all need a little break, some time to be ourselves with our friends.  They have been SO excited to start.  I know not all kids are like this but I swear to you my kids are some sort of super social crazy pre-schoolers who live and breathe for “kid-time”. 

So now, I have wiped my tears and taken a little break while they watched Dora.  It is time for me to go make my kids smile and laugh and spend these last couple days together before they run off to their friends.

I have re-scheduled my nap for Wednesday.  I will prepare an area for the new First Day of School Pics.  I will re-pack their lunches and we will get excited all over again talking about friends and teachers. 

We can’t wait for the “Real”  First Day of School!

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Intelligence, a big heart and the most fantastic gown (just an added bonus) – the choice is easy!  Sophia for Miss Universe!

Clearly with all the body image issues we are having around here we do not watch the Miss Universe pageants or any other pageants for that matter.  At least not with the kids.  Sophia does not need any more sparkles to ogle, that’s for sure.  And she does not need to be confusing gowns and boobs and makeup as essential ingredients for making a real woman – one who represents the world.

When I tell her what a fabulous little girl she is I do tell her that she is a beautiful person both outside and in.  I don’t kid myself that looks don’t matter out there but I won’t let that be our focus.  She is asking how she looks – but I tell her that is not what is important.  I tell her it is what is inside that counts.  I will tell her this and try to demonstrate it with every breath I have.  It is that important. 

Beauty is only skin deep.

She is learning that it is most important to learn as much as she can about the world and the people around her and to be a good friend to those people – both those she knows and those she does not.   This is not an easy lesson – but one that will change her life for the better every time she gives of herself.

I want her to have a good education and I will do everything in my power to make sure that she gets one.  With knowledge comes power and strength.  The power to change the world and the strength to be herself when facing adversity, to include people who others exclude, to show love in the face of hatred and misunderstanding.

I am proud of her little mind already.  She has learned about Muscular Dystrophy and what is means to be handicapped and sick as a child while I have been raising money for children suffering from this disease.  She has gone house to house with me asking for donations.  She has learned that some people give willingly and has questioned me when people have refused.  It has been a real learning experience for her.  She cried when we talked about these children dying at very young ages.  She has a big heart.  Service to others will always be a part of her upbringing.  I believe it will make her heart larger and her life more fulfilling.

I hope she remembers her childhood as one filled with gifts of love and compassion – both for her and for others less fortunate. 

I hope that all of my children can work to better their minds, their communities, our country and maybe someday our world.  That would truly be an inspiration and make for some real role models on our planet.

How are you teaching your children to live in our confusing world?  How do you incorporate your community and giving to others in your parenting?  At what age can kids start getting involved?  Do you know any programs that accept little volunteers?  I would love to hear your feedback and read anything you have written about giving back with your kids!  Let’s all encourage each other to raise intelligent and generous men and women.  That will really change our universe.

Just so you know, I do not take any issue with beautiful women and hey – there are days when I would love to have those Miss Universe looks.  I am in no way judging the women in the competition and I am sure that many of them are not only beautiful but intelligent and warm hearted.  It’s just sometimes hard to see that on T.V.  while being judged in a swimsuit.  The whole pageant thing just is not for me.

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My Daughter is a Princess.  She is loving, kind, impetuous, gentle, funny, creative, wild, sometimes disobedient, sometimes bossy, and incredibly intelligent.  No Princess is perfect – and I want her to know that she doesn’t have to be.

Sophia will be 4 in September, and I believe she is beautiful.  As her mother, I am 100% biased.  I also believe that all children are beautiful and more importantly, I believe that they should know this and not doubt for one minute either their inner or outer beauty.  At such a young age it seems impossible for a child to worry about her looks, to wonder whether she is beautiful enough to be a princess.  It breaks my heart to see Sophia ponder that very question.

My daughter talks about being a princess constantly.  She lives in dress up and imaginary lands where everyone around her is cast in a role as a princess, knight, fairy, pirate or mermaid.  Usually I am either a good queen or an evil queen and I am happy to play along.  However, the last couple of weeks all this princess talk has me in a tizzy.  Our fairy tale is in jeopardy.

Sometimes, Sophia is not sure she is beautiful enough to be a princess.  It started with her hair.  She has never had a lot of hair and it is taking forever to grow.  She begged me to let her bangs grow out, convinced that would help her look more like a princess.  I agreed.  As long as she is not asking to shave her head or dye it purple, it is her hair and if she doesn’t want bangs – so be it.  Lately, she has been unhappy with her hair’s growth and more than once I have found her sobbing over the length of her locks.  She wakes up in the morning and stares in the mirror, wondering how much it grew while she slept.  Even more recently, she was in distress over the light brown color I myself was blessed with and now dye as most would call it mousy brown.  I have never said this to her.  I think her hair is perfect.  She said she can’t be a beautiful princess without long blond hair.  She demands to know when it will be long.  She compares herself to every girl with long hair.  I have told her that being beautiful has nothing to do with the length of your hair but the size of your heart.  She is not buying it.

The other day, Sophia asked me if she was fat.  She said Princesses are not fat and she wanted to know if she was.  I, probably with way too much enthusiasm, said absolutely not.  I am not sure I convinced her.  As her mother and her best friend, isn’t she supposed to believe me at this age?  Shouldn’t she know that when I say she would make a perfect princess I am telling the truth?  Little girls who are 4 years old should not worry about being fat…ever.

My little princess also spends time obsessing about clothing and whether or not each piece that she is wearing is beautiful.  I get frustrated, telling her that it is not our clothes that make us beautiful.  I say it is nice to have lovely things, but that what you wear is not as important as how you act.  She says she knows, but don’t I know that sparkly dresses are prettier than jean shorts?  Seriously?  I am totally stuck here.

Usually she thinks she is beautiful and dances around the house singing about gardens and fairies and pixie dust.  It is precious sight!  In the moments when she is unsure of herself I fear I will lose it.  I wonder if I have made a mistake somewhere along the line.  

Why does she worry?

I am sure that the Barbies everyone gives her on every occasion for presents do not help.  I bet the princess movies and books she devours are part of the problem too.  Everything she sees is long, blond and very skinny!  She loves these stories and usually these gorgeous royals have a big heart and are doing good.  I do think Sophia is getting the lessons along with the small beauty complex.  I also do not want to take something away that she loves so much – this fairy tale land.

Is part of this just being a girl?

I know I struggled with body image, and still do.  My parents never gave me reason to worry, always telling me I was special and pretty and wonderful.  Still, while I do not remember being self-conscious as a small child, I know I was weighing myself before junior high school.  I am sure my own mother was worried too.  To this day she tells me I am beautiful, and sometimes I struggle to believe her.  My husband tells me too, and I love him for it.  I would by lying if I said that my outer appearance is not important to me.  I just don’t want is to preoccupy me or take any joy from my life. 

More importantly now, I don’t want it to take any precious moments away from my daughter’s own childhood.

What can we as parents do to make our little girls proud of who they are and how they look?  There is no way to keep pop culture completely out of their lives and I believe it would be unrealistic to do so considering they will grow up and be assaulted with it as we are.  So where do we go from here? 

I want her to know….

Your heart and soul are the most important things.  Love and kindness trump looks any day of the week.

You can be beautiful with long hair or short hair or no hair at all.

Clothes do not make the woman.   We are lucky to have beautiful things – but not everybody can dress in sparkles and dresses and they are princesses too. 

Our bodies are a gift and we must treat them with respect and care, but we are all made differently.  Big or small – short or tall – we are all beautiful and we are all major Princess material!

That life is to be lived and enjoyed.  The more she lives and loves and plays the happier she will be.  Let your crown fall off and your short hair blow in the wind and know – my sweet daughter – that you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and I will think so no matter what – forever and ever – to infinity and beyond.

Even if you are covered in chalk and in a sweatshirt.  You may not know it – but we can see your beauty no matter what you wear.

Do you have any advice?  Do your little girls already worry about their looks?  Am I silly to be worried?  I hope I am not alone and I hope that we can all work together to let girls know they are all beautiful.  And so are we.

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 I originally posted on this topic last summer.  I feel it is a subject that warrants a second look.

So far this year, 24 children died after being left in a hot car.  In 2009, 33 children were lost forever after being forgotten. They died from hyperthermia. I am sure there are hundreds of little ones who did not die, but could have.  I am sure there are thousands who have been left in the car for a moment.  This is not okay.  It does not take a long time for a car to heat up above 107 degrees.  And that temperature is lethal for humans.  More than 70% of these deaths were kids under 2 – many of whom were asleep and facing backwards as the AAP recommends.     They did not make any noise when the car was parked.   See this fact sheet for more information on hyperthermia deaths.

First, Some Background and Sensitivity Training…

The Washington Post called it “Fatal Distraction” in March 2009, when staff writer Gene Weingarten wrote about the difficulty in assessing the criminal nature of a child’s death by hyperthermia (or heatstroke) when the parent made a fatal mistake – he or she forgot their child or children in the car.  (Please see also the transcript of Gene’s live discussion after the huge response his article received.)   These are parents who deeply love their children.  They will be haunted for the rest of their lives by their mistake.  I am in tears again and I have read the article and many others so many times.  Gene admits that he had a moment in his past where his daughter made a noise in a parking lot and he remembered she was there.  He had forgotten.  He was overcome with nausea.  Thank God he did not get out of the car.  Thank God she made a noise.  He felt like he had to write this piece.  Sometimes it just takes the smallest thing to bring us back from our modern day distracted reality.

I hear this a lot:  “what kind of parent could do that?” I have read a number of articles over the last few years that made me realize it could be any of us.  Seriously.  Our brains are not perfect.  And the part of our brain that deals with memory and complex routines – the pre-frontal cortex – helps us to multitask and make finely tuned decisions but is also sensitive to stress and changes in a NORMAL routine.  Read the article for a much better description.  Basically, under stress the boobie part of your brain, the basal ganglia, takes over and you go on autopilot.  Unless something jogs your good brain – you could forget anything – even your child. I will not spend a long time on specific stories of heartbroken parents but I will post the list of people Gene interviewed  – the list of what kind of parent could do that.   It is terrifying and very sobering.  The following is taken from Gene’s article.

What kind of person forgets a baby?

The wealthy do, it turns out. And the poor, and the middle class. Parents of all ages and ethnicities do it. Mothers are just as likely to do it as fathers. It happens to the chronically absent-minded and to the fanatically organized, to the college-educated and to the marginally literate. In the last 10 years, it has happened to a dentist. A postal clerk. A social worker. A police officer. An accountant. A soldier. A paralegal. An electrician. A Protestant clergyman. A rabbinical student. A nurse. A construction worker. An assistant principal. It happened to a mental health counselor, a college professor and a pizza chef. It happened to a pediatrician. It happened to a rocket scientist….

The facts in each case differ a little, but always there is the terrible moment when the parent realizes what he or she has done, often through a phone call from a spouse or caregiver. This is followed by a frantic sprint to the car. What awaits there is the worst thing in the world.

See?  They are not all drunk or on drugs.  They are not “those” parents who you would never associate with.  They are people, just like you and me, who never thought they would do that.  Let’s keep any “better than you claws” in and focus on how to avoid this situation.  Please.

How Can We Prevent These Tragedies?  a.k.a. How to Jog Your Good Brain and Help Others

10 Ideas…not all mine but all good.  And there can be NO overkill here.  Overlap is great!

1.  Set an Alert on your computer, phone or Blackberry: From my own vault of experience while working with a baby in daycare – I set an alert on my computer to go off every 15 minutes from about 7 a.m. (I got to work around 7.15 to 7.30) to 9 a.m.  That way no matter when I got to work there was a message on my screen that said…

Did you drop Sophia off at daycare?  Are you sure she is not in the car?

I put mine in Microsoft outlook.  I am sure there are lots of online programs that can do it too.  This really helped me.  While I never really thought I had left her – I did call the daycare once or twice to make sure while running to my car.  This frantic run may happen with this method – the note sometimes makes you second guess yourself.  However, coupled with the other suggestions I think it is still a good idea.

2.  Place a sticker on your car: Your windshield, your dashboard, your driver side window – wherever you think – that asks the same question.  Where is your child?  Or says Kids Should not be Left In Cars.  Or maybe Don’t Forget Me! This is also a good reminder to count your kids before you leave.  WAY too many kids get run over every year because parents thought they were in the car or in the house.  You can get some stickers and magnets for your car from Forget Me Not.  Or you could make your own.  You scrapbookers could make some dynamite stickers I am sure.  Maybe they have your kids names on them.  Maybe a phrase you know you will notice.  Just something.  As long as you see it and remember.

3.  Place a sticker on the door/entrance of your workplace and your home. They have security stickers.  They have credit card stickers.   They have hours and rules posted.  Whatever – your workplace should be happy to oblige you!  This way if you miss it on your car you will be reminded again when you get to the door.   On your house – this is a simple one.  Parents leave kids in the car at home.   They also accidentally leave their kids at home when they leave in the car.  Since I assume you lock and unlock your doors or at least use the handle to open or close it – this should be a reminder either way to actually think about where your kids are.

4.  Place a large stuffed animal in the car seat when it is unoccupied. When you put your child in, put the animal in the front seat.  This is a visual reminder, says Jannette Fennell of Kids and Cars.  Then when you leave make it a habit to get your child out and replace the animal in the back.

5.  Put things you need for your activity in the back seat. Be it work, errands or other daily activities you have things you always take with you that you would usually have or need when you got to where you were going.   If you were supposed to drop your child off you would notice when you went to grab your purse in the back seat and saw your sleeping child.  And, unlike your child, who you would have thought you dropped off, you will miss your purse as soon as you go for your cup of coffee, to make a purchase, to put away your phone.  If you get in the habit you will always be checking your back seat for your valuables.

6.  Leave the Diaper Bag / Kid Supplies in the Front Seat.  This is similar to the above, but is another idea to really make sure everything is in the wrong place so that you WILL know if your child is in the car and you WILL NOT forget them if you go to pick up your purse and see a diaper bag and then reach in the back and see your child.

7.  Regularly Communicate with your Childcare Provider. This is a great idea anyway.  Keep your childcare provider, be it a nanny or a daycare or a home facility, aware of your plans.   Let them know what time you will be dropping off and ask them to contact you if they do not see your child at that time.  If you are good at communicating with them, they should do the same for you.  When you are looking for childcare, make sure this is something they will do.  I made sure that besides the sign in sheet at our daycare, they used an attendance chart in the classrooms and they did, in fact, ask when a child was not there.

8.  Get an alarm for your car seat. I have been thinking this for awhile but of course, like my other inventions, they already have one like it.  I will tell you about both.  What I actually think is that much like the seat belt beeper that goes off if someone is in a seat with no seat belt the auto manufacturers should put the same kind of device on each back seat station.  You should be able to “alarm” it when you install the car seat.  When you open your car door the car will say to you, “Don’t forget you have passengers in the back seat.”  I would be fine if it said, in a screaming voice – “Hey Lady – Baby on Board.  Get her out!”.  Just something to make sure I was with it.  Honda, Toyota, Dodge are you listening????  Volvo – come on you are all for safety!!!

Since this is not yet available on any cars that I know of you can use something like the Baby Alert Child Minder System. This retails for $69.95.  It is a pad that goes in the seat and an alarm that goes on your key chain.  If you walk more than 15 feet from the car while the child is in the seat.  The alarm will sound.  This will also make sure you do not run into gas stations or grocery stores, even in the winter, because whether it’s hot or not your child should not be alone in the car.  Many states have a ZERO seconds law that means no child may be left in car for any number of seconds.  Good stuff.   You could also use the Cars-N-Kids Car Seat Monitor.  This monitor also senses the weight of the child, but it plays a lullaby whenever the car stops, reminding you that you have a baby in the car.  This retails for $29.95.  Personally I like the alarm better but either tackle the main objective – remember your baby is in the car!

9.  Spread the Word.  The more people who know how this can happen and how fast it can happen and that it could, in reality, happen to them, the more people will take some of these simple steps to make sure it does not happen.  Maybe your local moms group could make stickers. Maybe you could hand some out at temple or church.  Maybe you could include them in the goodie bags for a party with a little note.  This is not rude.  This is not spoiling someone’s good time.  It is possibly saving a life – many lives in reality – from being destroyed.  Be open to talking about the hard times all parents have juggling their kids with their lives and their jobs, especially new parents who are adjusting to the changes and the lack of sleep and the car seats and the drop offs and all of the things that come at you the minute that baby comes out.   The more open we are, the more people will know, and the more they will think before they lock their car and walk away from their beautiful child.

10.  Look Around.  Peek in Parked Cars. You are not some Peeping Tom.  You are just casually walking by and glancing in back seats.  I have seen kids in cars outside a grocery store before.  Not a gas station (not that it matters) but a big grocery store.  It can take 20 minutes to “run in and out” of a huge store.  The mother walked out to her car as I was approaching a security guard to let him know.  It was near 90 degrees outside.  Had the doors not been locked I swear I would have opened them.  We have a zero second law here so I would have been fine doing that, or calling 911 or probably breaking a window.  People DO leave their kids.  They do not always remember, or they think they will be right back, or they don’t know how dangerous it really is.  If you notice a child and get that car open you may well save his or her life.  That is worth a few weird glances your way.  As a note, look in particular (or find a security guard to look) if you see or hear a car alarm going off but no one is around it.  Some cars have motion detectors that will go off when they sense movement within and were locked using the key fob.

Don’t they say it takes 28 days to form a habit?  Some things may seem silly or too simple but they are meant to insert a new basics routine in that dumb part of your brain that you will do even when you are the most tired the most stressed or the most out of your normal routine.  They are meant to train you to remember your child, and harsh as that sounds, it is a good reminder for all of us.

I hope that you find some of these suggestions useful for you or someone you know with small children.  Please remember to treat your vehicle as a dangerous object and not let children of any age near it to play or explore.  Older kids get locked in cars accidentally themselves.  Kids from toddlers on up can start cars and accidentally drive them.  And babies can be forgotten.

Please help SPREAD THE WORD on this topic.  You can use the share buttons below to send it by email or post it to your Facebook or other networking site.  You can Tweet it from the top of the post or from below.

If you have any other suggestions I will update this post with them and spread your words as well.

Thank you for listening, thank you for sharing, thank you for loving your children and for keeping them safe.

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Sophia announced with pride that she had cleaned her play kitchen. I was ecstatic as I have been trying to get her to really clean up for a very long time.  I wanted to see this immaculate masterpiece.  She stood in front of the doors and said “Look, All Clean Mom!”  Her words said one thing but her stance said another.

All Clean Mom!

 I asked if she could show me her kitchen and she told me I did not need to see the kitchen, just the floor in front of the doors.  I knew something was awry.  I asked how she cleaned the kitchen and she informed me with pride that it was “Just the way Daddy showed me”.  Houston, we have a problem.  Daddy has no idea how to pick up.  His mantra is out of sight, out of mind.  I give you Exhibit A.  No further exhibits are needed.

Daddy Showed Me How!

My husband showed her how to shove all her crap into whatever closet or bucket or niche was nearby and shut the doors.  He showed her how to hide the mess, not clean it up.  This is why he never knows where his stuff is.  I asked her why she did not clean her kitchen the way I do.   I was really curious.

A Clean Kitchen

She said cleaning that way is boring and takes too long.

Yeah babe – but my way actually puts things back where they belong so you don’t lose pieces or have things fly out of the closet when you open it.  My way is the mommy way and my way is the way we clean up around here.  Daddy is not so good at cleaning.  He fakes it.  This is like telling a lie.  You don’t want to tell a lie, do you?

Sophia said “No, but I like fun things and that is not very fun.”

Really?  Shocker.  Welcome to my world.  Wait until you have kids.  I am so going to say “I told you so.”

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This is fourth of five posts over ten days as part of Momalom’s Five for Ten.  We are all writing about the same topics in an honest effort to get to know one another better and make more connections.

Our first topic was Courage.   The second was Happiness.  The third was memory.  Today’s is Lust.

If you are already a regular Mommy Words visitor, I hope you enjoy these posts.  If you are here as a part of the Five for Ten, welcome!  I can’t wait to get to know you.

In the middle of the night I lay sleeping, dreaming of two bodies embracing, loving, and enjoying one another in perfect intimacy and with total abandon.  My eyelids flutter and I see my husband laying next to me and feel his leg draped over my own.  We always fit.  It always moves me.  I shift my body towards his and hear a soft moan.  My reaction is immediate.  My body warms in an instant and my breasts begin to tingle.   I let out a deep breath, a low groan, and unbutton my nightgown to free them for the soft hands that already are reaching out in hunger that only I can satisfy.

I roll over, scoop up my precious baby Violet, and begin to nurse.  My wild fantasies of passionate unplanned sex are smooshed by an irresistible 12 pound little girl.

Yes, things around here are a little lackluster.

When I feel a little frisky and hubs touches the tatas…they LEAK!  Horny mam or hungry baby…same reaction…breast milk let down.  (Truly a let down if you are feeling rowdy.)  These boobies also make a crinkly sound as all breast pads do when you caress them.   Not so hot huh?

I scream Yes! Yes! Yes! while Sophia does gymnastics instead of in the bedroom.

Can one without a strange fetish lust after someone who smells like baby puke and even sometimes has the scent of poop lingering?  With 2 kids still in diapers this is a common occurrence.

The last time I got  a wax was while preparing for labor.  Mama’s not feeling sexy.  Enough said.

After a hot date and a lot of wine (always lust inducing) I have to pump.  Milking oneself like a cow always kills that sexy feeling.

I sleep 1 foot from my infant and often wake up with my two year old in my bed.  Let’s just say I don’t wear lingerie to bed.

I think it might help to have a fraternity party where we could grind away in a basement like we did when LUST took over every night.  We could then forget that we are parents to 3 kids 3 and under but that’s kind of weird to have a mom of 3 in a beer drenched basement doing that so this scenario is probably out.  And more things would shake than just my tush.  And I don’t know any frat guys anymore anyway.

Now I am a little depressed about the lackluster state of things around here so I am just going to get out my pencil (no pen – you never know with kids!) and schedule me some lovin’.  You can’t always get what you want…you get what you need!

P.S. sometimes what I need is just sleep. 

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This is the  first of five posts over the next ten days as part of Momalom’s Five for Ten.  We are all writing about the same topics in an honest effort to get to know one another better and make more connections. Our first topic is Courage. If you are already a regular Mommy Words visitor, I hope you enjoy these posts.  If you are here as a part of the Five for Ten, welcome!  I can’t wait to get to know you.

This is the hardest post I have ever written. It is taking great courage to write it and to post  for people to read who may not know me and may have difficulty understanding the situation.  My courage is nothing compared to my sister’s, who gave me permission to share this story and had the courage to live it.

A year ago I said goodbye to my 4 year old niece and nephew at the airport.  My heart broke into a million little pieces as they left, with my baby sister Katie, their birth mother,  to meet their forever family.  It almost killed me.  I can’t even imagine the courage it took for Katie to bring her babies to to their new parents.  I don’t know how she said goodbye.  I just know that she dug deep and sacrificed her own desires to give her kids a stable and secure forever home.  A home she could not give them herself.

The twins were born at 32 weeks gestation when Katie was 23 years old.  They were unplanned miracle babies.  The tiny babies spent a month in the NICU after they were born by emergency c-section.  Katie almost died after the surgery and spent a week in the ICU while doctors attempted to figure out why her lungs had collapsed and whether or not her heart was strong enough to be released.  My mom was in the delivery room and was the first to hold the babies.  I arrived at the hospital after a 6 hour drive to find alarms going off in Katie’s room and watch as doctor’s rushed to save her life.  Katie developed pneumonia and could not visit the twins, so for the first few days my mom and I wore the NICU bracelets and embraced the babies as often as the nurses would let us.  They were her first grandchildren.  They were beautiful.  When Katie’s pneumonia was gone, I wheeled her to hold her infant children the first time.  I thought my heart would explode.

Katie was determined to keep her twins, but from the very beginning it was much easier said than done.  As a single mom of twins with no college degree and no job after being on bed rest for most of her short pregnancy, her options seemed limited.  She moved in with my husband and me to begin getting her life back together.  We went to social services to make sure the twins had medicaid and WIC for their super expensive special formula.  Katie saw how single moms with no money lived while we waited for hours to be given a meeting time.  I remember her telling me she needed to figure out how she could give them everything they deserved and get out of the social services system. Over the years we spent many hours and days at Social Services.  Each moment there was heart breaking.  I remember wondering how she would be able to make a life for herself while taking care of 2 high maintenance preemies. 

I was right to be worried.  While I know it was possible, it never happened.  The stress of being a single mother was more than Katie bargained for.  She began to have serious panic attacks and lived with severe anxiety most of the time.  Her blood pressure was constantly elevated.  She sometimes struggled for breath.  I struggle for words to express how excruciating it was to watch her little family, to watch her struggle to provide and to be a good mother, to watch her wonder if she had made the right choice.

Over the years Katie and her twins lived with us off and on as rent payments were often impossible to make and jobs impossible to keep.  She was always trying to find something that worked with her small children.  She started her own cleaning company but became frustrated with all the last minute cancellations and inability to budget the actual money that would come in.  I paid for her to get her nurses assistant certification but from the beginning she had trouble finding a daycare that could take the twins in time for her to check in at the hospital by 6:45 a.m.  I was at a loss.  I didn’t have any brilliant ideas.

The only jobs she ever found that made enough were jobs at bars, working into the middle of the night.  Moms should not have to work these jobs.  For Katie, working at bars brought her back to her life before kids and she had trouble making the right decisions for her family.  She began to befriend the late night crowd and started to feel like her only connections to society were the bar crawlers she met.  She didn’t have mommy friends.  She barely had any friends with day jobs.  In truth, she had very few real friends at all.  She started to drift away.   The late night parties and lifestyle of her single life came back with a vengeance as she reconnected with the only crowd she had been comfortable with before the birth of the twins.

We, her family, could see that we were losing her, and that she needed to make a major change in her life to be a great mom to her kids.  The whole family was together for Christmas in 2008 and the situation was the worst it had ever been.  Katie had no job and we were paying for her to live in a home near us.  The kids spent as many nights here as they did in her home and we watched as her mental health deteriorated and real depression took hold of her life.  She did not seem like my baby sister anymore.  She was a mother in need of serious help. 

With the family gathered, we confronted her in my living room the morning after Christmas about her lifestyle and the choices she was making.  As a family and with all the love in our hearts, we expressed our real belief that at almost 4 years old, her kids would soon be very aware that their mother was not providing them with the safe and secure life they deserved.  I want to be very clear on this.  She always loved them with all of her heart, but that love was not enough to defeat the demons in her life.  With a mixture of  terrible anger and tears of sorrow, Katie screamed. She said she knew we hated her and ran out the front door. 

In the time she was gone, we discussed the future.  We knew both that Katie needed help and that her kids needed a family.  At that point, I thought that Ross and I could be that family.  The twins had been with us since they were born.  Our house was their house.  Our kids were like siblings.  They played together, slept together, ate together.  The twins welcomed Sophia and Miles when each was born.  In my own heart, I felt like they were my children too.  I took them everywhere with us.  They had the same childhood as my own children when we were together.  We went to zoos.  We took music classes.  They were 2 happy little people.  In this time of extreme pain, I thought we could be the solution.

When Katie came back, I think she thought we could be the solution too.  She could go somewhere to get herself better and we could be the family the kids needed.  She admitted that she was not in a place to be a good mother to her kids as much as she wanted to be.  She needed real help.  That admission was the beginning of a new conversation, one that would lead those beautiful children to a home that was not ours.

We were all, save my husband, naive.  It turns out that in family adoptions are often not the best solution at all.  You see, the problem was, they were not my kids.  They were my sister’s.  What seemed so simple would be very confusing for them and much more complex than we ever imagined.  To put it as simply as possible, counselors told us that the twins would most likely have trouble figuring out who their mom was and might struggle to feel permanence in this situation.  They would wonder if and when they were going back to their mom.  They would question whether or not our home was really their forever home.  As small children, they would not understand the tough love their mommy Katie needed to heal herself and why she could not be a part of their lives.  In addition to the children’s struggle, as adults we would need to set strict boundaries for Katie as we tried to build our new family.  She would not be allowed to be a part of it for some time and if we adopted her kids, I would be their mom first instead of her sister first.   We were overwhelmed with love and sorrow and confusion.

With all the help my sister needed and our real desire for the twins to have the best possible life, the counselor suggested we consider an open adoption.  She told us that Katie needed her family’s full support to make a change and that it would be very difficult to do this while bringing the twins into our home.  She also told us there were many families that were interested in open adoptions of older children where Katie and the rest of our family could remain a part of their lives.

At first it was unthinkable to imagine our lives without those precious children in them.  They were, and always will be, in my heart each and every day.  While we cried and cried and Katie felt the situation spinning out of control, she somehow found a calm place in her soul and asked me if we could talk about the possibility.  She was honest for the first time about her pain and suffering and the major changes she needed to make in her life.  She told me all the things she wished her kids had and that she wanted them to have a life like my kids filled with friends and activities and opportunity.  She was brutally honest with me and with herself about the limitations of love in providing the kids of home she wanted for her kids.  She also said that she wanted them to be proud of her one day and that she needed to make a huge change in her life for that to ever happen.  She really did, and does, love them with all of her heart, and that love gave her the strength to do what was best for her kids, even though it broke her heart.  That love gave her the courage to find a forever home for her children that was not hers…or mine.

The next few months flew by with unbelievable speed.  The adoption agency had hundreds of families who were interested in getting to know more about us and the twins and who wanted an open adoption.  We couldn’t believe it.  It was both sad to read all those profiles and absolutely wonderful to learn that so many people wanted to make older children a part of their homes.  We had massive numbers of psychological tests with the twins and just as many special memory days spent with their cousins to make our time with them as wonderful as possible. 

I will never know as a mother what it feels like to choose a new Mommy and Daddy for your children.  I know for Katie, it would have been an out of body experience except the pain was so real that the profiles were quickly soaked with our tears.  In those pages of pictures and information though, Katie found hope for her children.  She found just a few families that seemed like a good fit for her babies and her desires for them.  We cautiously contacted the adoption agency to set up phone calls with these families.  We had a list of questions.  We had a list of desires.  We were terrified. 

We found a family that wanted what we wanted.  We found a young couple about my age with no kids who wanted to adopt older children.  They had a similar belief system and they wanted an open adoption.  They liked our profile and our family.  They wanted the twins to maintain contact with my family and my kids from the very start.  They wanted them to know their birth mother and have communication and visits with her in the future.  Katie chose this family to be what she could not. 

Katie wrote down everything she could think of about her babies and what she wanted and I called the couple to tell them about their future son and daughter.  Through muffled tears I told them everything about Katie’s kids that she could think of since they were born.  She wrote stories about them and went through their strengths and weaknesses but also conveyed their likes and dislikes, their fears and desires, the names of each of their stuffed animals, and even their favorite colors.  She tried, through me, to give this couple as much of the kids as she could so that they could make them as comfortable as possible from the very beginning.

As the day for thier departure drew near, every experience with Katie and her twins seemed surreal.  I started thinking this is the last time about everything we did.  I think Katie was in a mild state of shock at this point.  I don’t know what other state she could have been in.  I felt like I was choking every time I spoke and it was difficult to hold back tears when I saw them, talked to them or touched them.

On their last night here we were busy packing and talking about their new mommy and daddy.  This was, to this day, one of the hardest things I have ever done.  It is part of the transition – to prepare them for their new home.  We sat and talked about their new family, their new rooms, their new doggie.  We told them about the weather where they were going and how far away it was from Sophia.  Katie told them that she loved them dearly and that she loved them so much that she found the very best mommy and daddy that she could but that she would always be their birth mother and that should they ever need anything she would be there.   She told them that they would always be in her heart and that they would always be the most important thing in her life.  She told them they were so important that she found them the most wonderful forever home in the world. 

This is true.  She did what a mother is supposed to do.  She did the best thing for her children – not herself.  She would have loved to have these two beautiful kids around her, loving her, forever.  But she was not at a place where she could be a good parent – and that is what they needed more than anything.  Katie had the courage to see this.

I took Katie and the twins to the airport on a lovely April morning in 2009 and on the curb I hugged them for the last time, my tears flowing freely.  She flew with them and said goodbye to them in their new city as she was introduced to a transition family that would help them get into their new home.  She had to sign many papers on this day, each of which caused her immeasurable pain.  She has told me she wanted to run out and get them.  She wanted to keep them forever.  She wanted to run away with them.  She told me she would have if she could but she could barely breathe when she thought of how she would support them, that the panic attack she had when she imagined herself failing as their parent actually allowed her to sign those terrifying papers.  If I had been there – I might not have been as strong.  After signing the papers she got on a plane and went to live with our brother and figure out what to do to fix her life.

When I thought about the subject, Courage, my sister displayed more courage in this act than I have ever seen before.   She had the courage to admit she was not in a lace where she could be a good parent.  She had the courage to put her children before herself.  She had the courage to give them what they deserved. 

Katie’s babies will be in her heart forever.  She had their names tattooed on her arm as a constant reminder to make something of her life they could be proud of.  It has been a little over a year since they left us and Katie has had the courage to make a change.

Memorial Day weekend my sister Katie will graduate from Marine Corps basic training and she will be a U.S. Marine.  She took complete control of her life and chose to serve her country and make her kids proud.  The twins and their new mommy and daddy have been writing her in boot camp and drawing her pictures.  I cannot express how proud I am of my baby sister and how she has turned her life around.  Every letter I get from her she tells me that every ounce of her strength comes from thinking of her twins, safe and happy with their new family and knowing that she is finally doing something they can look up to.  She no longer has to be ashamed.  She doesn’t have anxiety attacks anymore.  She is becoming both physically and mentally strong. 

After graduation, Katie will see her twins again for the first time.  She will meet their new parents face to face for the first time.  We are flying to see them with Sophia and Violet.  They are excited to see their “Birth Mommy Katie” and ask her about the Marines.  They are excited to see their Aunt Brittany and Cousin Sophia and meet the new baby.  They have been talking to Sophia all year and they want to see how tall she is and talk to her about things like princesses and gymnastics.  We are all going to a baseball game.  I hope it will be wonderful and that I don’t cry though the whole thing.  While the kids are all super-excited, I am pretty sure all of the grown-ups are as petrified as I am.  We are just going to take it slow and make it as fun for the kids as possible. 

The new family assures us through regular pictures, emails and phone calls that the kids are doing really well and that they are healthy and happy.  The twins keep pictures of both their new family and their birth family in their rooms.  They have a life book where they put notes and letters we send them.  We are overjoyed at their happiness, but we will always live with the pain of losing them.  Katie will always be aware that day to day she does not have her kids with her.  She hopes that seeing them thrive will give her the certainty that she made the right decision.  I pray she is granted this wish.  She deserves to know they are in the right place.

For all her courage as a mother in a way we never expected, I applaud my baby sister.  For all her courage as a woman after giving up what was most precious to her and doing something good with her life, I am proud of her.  For all her weaknesses as a sister and a friend while she was in her darkest hours, I forgive her.

I love you Katie, and I am proud of you.  You will always be my best friend and my baby sister.  I will carry the memories we made with our families close to my heart forever and look forward to making more.  They are lucky to have a birth mother who had the courage to love from afar.

Note:  This may not be the most well written post, but when I saw the Momalom word was courage, I knew I had to finish it and get some of these feelings out or risk never writing about this experience.  I will certainly go back and revise my words, perhaps condense what has turned out to be a very long post.  Please forgive any errors in this first draft of my feelings.  I wanted to share a part of my family’s story and add my view on one more attribute of a good mother.  I will continue to post about adoption and the enormous courage it takes on both the birth family and adoptive family fronts.  This has been a life changing experience for all of us, and one that has made our hearts break open and become even larger.  Thank you for coming on this emotional journey with me.

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I can’t wait to tell you all about Disney, but after 4 days spent with 3 little ones in 3 different parks, we are pooped. The kids were tired enough to sleep together every night – no wrestling.  This is unheard of.  We may actually have been able to pull off that whole Family Bed concept.  Also unheard of.   Here’s to a good night’s sleep!

Sleeping with Princesses and Cars

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