Before I got pregnant I was all about surfing the web, but I never shared anything about myself on the Internet.  When I got knocked up and was going through that LONG 12 week wait to tell people, I figured out pretty quickly that I could spill the beans online and chit chat about my little fetus to my heart’s content.

It started with What to Expect and Baby Center message boards.  I met so many incredible women and felt a sense of comfort and complete lack of embarrassment sharing my feelings as I progressed through the months of my first pregnancy.   I had a forum to ask and answer questions, whine about aches and pains and husband stuff and generally just be myself.  With no fear.  I dove in and have never looked back.

After I had Sophia I stayed on my boards and  just gabbed away about life with a newborn and very mundane daily living.  Everyone was talking about the same stuff.  Boobs, Babies, Poop…the usual.  It was comforting to have a place to share all the little stuff.  But really, it ended up being so much more.

When I had my first miscarriage at 10 weeks in the hospital and had one of the worst nights of my life laying cold and alone and bleeding  in the hallway outside the ultrasound room, I was emotionally depleted and completely at a loss.  I turned to my message boards and was given an amount of love and compassion that amazed me and was so happy that I had made these friends.  I am so thankful that I had these women.  No one knew I was pregnant other than my husband, my sister and my mother.  The only friends that I could share my grief with were online.  

The girls I knew referred me to a miscarriage and loss board that saved my life, emotionally speaking.  This is the point at which I began to pour my guts out online, and I will never regret exposing myself to these women.  Without them I would not have known how to talk about my feelings and really work through my grief.  I don’t know what I would have done without their support.  This was more than 2 years ago and I continue to include these women and their angel babies in my prayers.  Having women who understood what I felt was so important at that time in my life.  This was the first time that I learned that my online friends were my real life friends.  We shared phone numbers and email addresses.  I got text messages sending hugs and pick me up notes.  I am lucky I had that support system.

When I started TTC ing (Trying to Conceive) again I found a group of extraordinary women called The Luckies and I can’t even express how fabulously awesome these chicks are.  They support each other through years of fertility treatments, through BFP (big fat positive) hits and misses, through fertility charting and so much more.  They are there for the whole process – from tryingto get pregnant to having the baby to breastfeeding to going back to work to trying for another baby.   I met so many wonderful friends on the Luckies boards and believeme – I share everything with them when I am on.  Now, years after I found them, many of us are on our 2nd or 3rd pregnancies and the girls actually met in Vegas for a weekend!  I wish I had been there!  Luckies – I know I am not on as much anymore but I am sending you TONS of baby dust and lots of hugs and kisses!

When I look back, I see that my babies brought me online.  My babies helped me to make friends with other women and join the cyber community before they were even born.  I did not even glance at blogs at this point, but I had found the tip of a very amazing iceberg in these communities of women.  It was only a matter of time until I started to read blogs…and just a bit longer until I would start my own.

How did you first start sharing yourself online?  Are your online relationships as important to you as mine are?  I would love to hear from you!

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I have changed shape.  Nothing fits me.  Well, I should re-phrase.  I can put my pants on and I can get them up and I can even zip and button most of them but something is not right.   Yes, I have an 8 week old baby.  That is what I have been telling myself.  That is what you, my friends, have been telling me.  Thank you, by the way, I would have locked myself in a closet by now without your lovely compliments.  

HOWEVER - something has been bothering me.  Violet is not my first baby.  She is my third and I have done this all before.  Everything was going according to plan.  I am breastfeeding all the time and burning a bazillion calories a day over here.  My cheekbones are starting to reveal themselves once again.   My giant breasts are finally starting to chill the F out.  I am losing the baby weight quickly as usual.  

So what the hell is wrong with my pants???  Oh – I get it – my mom was right…as usual.  There is no money growing on any of my trees and I now do not have a baby belly – I have a BAGEL BELLY.  I am what I ate – and that was a hell of a lot of bagels.  Starting in my first trimester.  I posted about it here.  No more mystery.  My pants look like crap because how could they possibly look good wrapped around my bagel shaped belly?  Really – it is like a little extra puffy and round – all the way around. 

I know how it happened.  I blog from the bagel store in the mornings and my bagel habit grew with my belly.  I went from half a bagel with light cream cheese to a whole bagel with light cream cheese to a whole bagel with regular chock full of fat cream cheese.  Then I decided I liked bagels so much I would have one for breakfast and one for lunch.  You see, I did not eat a second lunch later – I just spent the mornings stuffing myself with bread and cheese and expecting to come out of it unscathed.  What was I thinking???

I learned better.  I now know a few key depressing facts.

I look like shit as a bagel. 

People – your 30’s are different than your 20’s.  

Drinking Diet Coke no longer makes up for all other calories.

I may actually have to pay attention to good carbs versus bad carbs.

Bad carbs are my favorite food in the whole world.  My favorite drink is wine and I will never give it up.  Especially if I have to give up bad carbs.  I mean I need to cry in my wine – not a glass of water.

I can’t just starve so I am going to have to find something else to eat. Something healthier.  Suggestions are welcome but let’s not get too healthy too fast.  I am already in shock.  So don’t throw tofu and raw food at me okay?

Finally, and I cringe as I write this, I am going to have to really exercise.  To sweat.  To do real cardiovascular stuff – not just running after my kids.  Not just yoga.  I am going to need to do aerobics or something.  I may need a leotard and some leg warmers over here.  My heart is already racing.  I have a long way to go.

But I really want to be a hot mama so here is my goodbye to bagels.  Oh – and I suppose just to be on the safe side I should also bid adieu to Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream.  I don’t know what that would look like but it can’t be good.  I would rather look like Heidi Klum or something.

 Wish me luck.  This is going to suck. 

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This morning I went to the OB for that mandatory check-up that lets you know your girl parts are okay and you are cleared to get back in the saddle.  What saddle, you ask?  To be specific – sex and exercise.

I am sure some of you amazing women were pumped for this appointment and rushed home after you got the go ahead to combine the aforementioned sex and exercise in a sweaty passionate workout with your long neglected lover.

I am not in that group of amazing women. Not.  At. All.  I am sitting in Breuggers Bagels stuffing myself with cream cheese and wondering if I should tell my gorgeous wonderful husband that the doc told me to wait a little longer.  That is bad, I know.  I adore my very sexy husband.  But girls, I have my reasons.

First, I am not feeling so sexy these days.  At 20 pounds from my goal weight with a nether region that was last used to birth a baby and boobs that are larger than my baby’s head that projectile spray whenever they hear a noise or feel a nudge I’m not exactly longing to be naked.  We spoke at length here about the boobie trap and how these boobs, as voluptuous as they are, are for baby only.

Second, call me crazy but I’m just not, um, feeling it.  Breastfeeding saps you of all sexual hormones and doing it every 90 minutes all day leaves little time for me to get all hot and bothered.  And, with 3 kids 3 and under I am not sure when we are supposed to do that foreplay thing that is supposed to help.  Especially, and this is big, since Violet sleeps not 2 feet from me and sounds like a little car battery with all her snorts and loud breathing.  It doesn’t help.  It makes my boobs leak – see above.

Third, I am scared.  I mean it.  I had some scarring down there from an infection after having Sophia that hurt for a long time and while I think it is all okay now, I get really nervous.  You need not know more – it used to hurt like a bitch.  No joke.

That about covers the sex.  Honey, I love you but it might be a little while.  And take a lot of wine.  I need to be tipsy enough to forget that I am taking my clothes off.

As far as the exercise, well, I just totally hate it.  There’s another hour out of my day that I don’t have.  I don’t like being sweaty.  I can’t ever plan it right.  I’m no good at it.  You get it.  I know I have to do THIS to lose the 20 pounds that will make me the hottie I want to be for my hubby so that I will want to do THAT.

It’s just not going to be today.  Or tomorrow.  But his birthday is next week, so I really need to pull myself together, huh?

So – what group did you fall into?  Please say that I not alone!

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One of the things I was most surprised at after I had my first baby was how big and quite honestly, smooshy, my tummy felt after I gave birth.  I don’t know quite what I was expecting, but it was not to still look completely pregnant and have a smooshy tummy.  But that’s what you get.  We all now know that I am crazy and since I know I have a lot of first time pregnant readers I will go ahead and give you the proof and then I will help you to feel better – well – sort of better!  And hey for those of you who have already experienced this, like me, feel free to add to the comments on your experience. 

Here is the question – How long did it take you to get back into those pre-pregnancy jeans?  I am not there yet but I have a pile of jeans ranging from my absolute biggest (bought near the end of my first trimester of my first pregnancy) to the ones that I don’t actually remember fitting in.  Don’t laugh – they are still the goal jeans.  When I can exercise again I will be reluctantly proudly joining the ranks of you who have a weight loss or fitness goal.

Here is where we started – at the end of my pregnancy with Violet.   Ignore my strange look - it is 5:30 in the morning in the delivery room and I am smiling but I was so scared that they would not be able to flip her that I think I look a little crazy!  You get the point though – I looked and felt HUGE!  Giant Uterus.  According to BabyCenter

By the time you go into labor, your uterus is about 15 times heavier (not including its contents!) and its capacity is at least 500 times greater than before you conceived.

Well no wonder we are not exactly comfy at this point!

Belly 38 Weeks 3 Days

After delivery the uterus continues to contract it pushes out the placenta and then closes off all open blood vessels where the placenta was attached.  The uterus continues to contract to being itself back to its pre-pregancy state.  For the first couple of days you can feel your uterus below your belly button.  Nurses will check you in the hospital to make sure everything feels right and to make sure that the uterine contractions are doing what they are supposed to be doing.  If you are breastfeeding you will feel these contractions when the baby nurses and they can be VERY painful.  I needed the pain killers for this. 

So, there is no baby in there but you still feel huge.  Here is my belly a little more than 24 hours after I gave birth.  Man do you wish it was smaller.  And like I said, less smooshy.  You know – there is no baby in there so what the heck makes it so big I just don’t know!  Forgive the hospital bikini look – it was hteo nly way to show the belly since I couldn;t lift my legs very well to put pants on – remember that gimp leg I had pre-delivery?  It got worse before it got better!

Belly Before We Went Home

The uterus continues to shrink each and every day and at a week after delivery it weighs about 1 pound – half of what it wighed when you had the baby.  It does not get back to its pre-pregnancy size until the end of your official post=partum period of 4-6 weeks.  Too bad everything else still takes longer huh?  So, here is where I stand 1 week after returning home and 9 days after giving birth to Violet.  I look tired because I am getting a little tired between the mastitis and all the being awake and stuff.  I think I could probably squeeze my ass into my biggest jeans but  I am going to avoid any potential devastation and cling to my maternity pants for a bit longer.  It feels good to have something covering my belly (those pants in the picture are rolled down), I don;t really want to squeeze into anything right now and its really flippin’ cold out so they give another layer over my belly.  I love it!

p.s. this is my standard breastfeeding in the winter getup.  Tank top that is big enough to pull down with cardigan over top – preferably from Banana Republic or Anthropologie so you feel like you are wearing normal clothes again.  This is SO much easier than nursing tops although I do have 1 or 2 nursing tops for the winter that make it SUPER easy to whip out the boob wherever you may be!

If you guessed my hoo ha you would be…WRONG! 

What was that – the dreaded tooshie trauma nobody tells you about pre delivery?  Nope!  WRONG AGAIN.

That whole private area is just peachy, thanks.

Ah – you are thinking then it must be the boobies!   I would love to say yes because I am in incredible boobie pain right now but WRONG AGAIN!

Jeez – you must be wondering post childbirth what else could there be?

Well folks, my flippin’ LEFT ARM feels like it needs to be cut off and it has since about 1 hour after I arrived at the hospital on Tuesday.  I tweeted at 6:30 am that the IV was in after 3 tries.  Very painful tries.  I posted a pic  at 9:30 am because it was hurting so much!

Here is my arm after the major screw up…you can also see the automated blood pressure cuff that created pain worse than my contractions.  Much worse at times.  Every time it compressed the blood vessels in my lower arm and hand swelled and created a terrible pressure.  It was hell.

2 Failed Tries

Here is my relief when the new nurse got it right, using a smaller needle she said was more appropriate, on the other side.

Immense Relief

Here is how my left hand looked an hour ago – it is getting better.  SCARY!  All the nurses while I was in the hospital commented on the swiftly developing bruise.  They ask you where it hurts – I repeatedly told them, to their surprise – my LEFT ARM!

Horror Hand

Then, I did something really stupid.  It turns out I was way overdue for my tetanus shot and at 9 pm on Wednesday a lovely nurse rectified this problem.    This one shot has created a pain in my upper arm to compete with my lower arm.  I have similar bruising although I can’t get a picture of it.  The OB said this happens sometimes with tetanus.  I told her I could barely move my arm and I just had a baby.  I sort of need this arm.  She said I should call on Monday if it still hurts.  I will be on hold at 8:30 am sharp because holy crap does it still hurt!  And the injection site is now a hideous lump!    I only have a pic the morning after they gave me the shot.

Already Bruising on Thursday

So now I am having trouble doing a lot of things, including typing a lot for this blog, because I have limited use of my LEFT ARM.  Between breastfeeding and my new handicap I am one handed at the computer.  Things take a long time with one hand.

So for now lots of pics and a little sarcasm and a lot of love just not a lot of words.  This post took forever to type.  If I do not cut my own arm off I will be back to my way too wordy posts soon.

XOXO

Brittany

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We brought Violet home from the hospital today and are spending a little time relaxing and trying to get some rest! I am finally feeling exhausted but of course, I could not resist posting a couple pics of my tiny girl on her way home!

Barely Room for the Buckle!

Violet and her Faux Fur

We are Ready to Go Home!

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Wow We are Pooped!

Kisses for Baby Violet

Don't Laugh I Can't Control My Arms!

Already Tired of Mommy!

Ah More Sweet Slumber!

Tweet Tweet. I'm Starting Early.

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At 1:05 p.m. we welcomed Violet Grace into our family and became officially outnumbered by this gorgeous 5 pound 12 ounce, 19 inch long (hairy) bundle of joy!  Of course I will post the full delivery story tomorrow but I just had to share a pic or two tonight.

Look at how happy I am…the External Cephalic Version worked!  She’s my little flippin’ chicken and after just an hour of very painful labor (and much unattractive panting) once the epidural wore off from the ECV and 4 pushes – she was in my arms.  No surgery required!

Breastfeeding is going swimmingly and I really have nothing but great things to say about her arrival and our first few hours together!

Mommy's First Pic with Violet

 She came out with the lungs of a lion and let us know she was one healthy baby!

See Her Roar!

She’s got the cutest little feet…

Tiny Toes

Loves her Daddy…

Daddy's Little Girl

And she lets me stare at her each and every minute…

Sleepyhead Violet

Thank you all for all of your thoughts and prayers and well wishes.  We are doing extremely well and I can’t wait to tell you all about my little Violet after I get just a little rest.  I warn you – many pictures are coming so I hope you like babies as much as I do!

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When you have kids – a lack of privacy seems to become the norm.  Some people are better at preserving this precious privacy better than me.  For me – it flew out the door the minute I got to Labor & Delivery to have Sophia in 2006.  Whenever I think it can’t get any worse – it does.  Perhaps you have similar experiences – let’s review the 3 MAJOR things I have left hanging out there for everyone to see. 

1.  My life.  My innermost thoughts.  I started a blog for heaven’s sake and while I try to keep other people’s secrets I pour mine out on a regular basis.  I never felt the need to spill my beans and find an additional community before I was pregnant.  I will share my journey to becoming a blogger in the nexy few weeks.  It is actually an emotional journey and deserves its own post – not to be shared with words about my nether region you know!

2.  My Boobs.  Before I had Sophia only a handful of people had seen or touched my boobs. My mom (but not in a long time), a couple of boyfriends over the years (okay maybe a few more than a handful of people but not a lot), my doctor, my OB at my annual exam, a friend who got her boobs done to my size and we decided to see how they felt after a LOT to drink and my gorgeous husband. 

When I was in labor with Sophia I got really sick and off came my soiled gown and for minutes I think anyone who came in saw my tatas.  Then, after Sophia was born, the lactation consultants all saw my boobs.  They also poked and prodded and squeezed them in a way I had never imagined my boobs being handled.  I was a little shocked at first, but then I had a new baby for the first time and you kind of just let everybody do what they will with your bod because at least I had no idea what was going on.

After I came home and the neighbors started coming by the whole world might as well have seen them.  Learning to breastfeed is hard and it was nearly impossible to do it discreetly at first so the boobs just kept popping out.  Not only did my mother see my boobs again but worst of all my mother in law did and I don’t know why but that just killed me!  I just couldn’t hide them from anyone!  Sophia would pull her head away and there would be a boob.  I would try to adjust and whoops another boobie shot.  Thank God my neighbors are cool because they ALL saw my goods.  When I left the house to do errands the number of boobie sightings went up exponentially.  I was just not good at nursing for awhile and if it wasn’t for the Bebe Au Lait nursing cover there might not be a soul left in Charlotte without first hand knowledge of my chest. 

Now, I am an expert at nursing.  I can use my cover, I can do it in a sling, I have found the perfect shirts, I can hide them with the baby’s head.  But who really cares…everybody has already seen them.

3.  My VaJayJay.  There is nothing like the last few weeks of a pregnancy and then labor and delivery to make you feel completely exposed in a way you never thought possible down there.  I was actually a little weirded out by it.  I NEVER let my husband come to my OB appointments after that first ultrasound where dumb old me had no idea that they used that phallic thing to see the baby.  I was mortified.  I just did not feel that was my best look – you know – I felt like it took some of my “sexy” away.   Then, in labor & delivery, against my wishes for the privacy of my vajayjay and the maintenance of SOME sexy, my husband watched Sophia come out.  I am not mad anymore – I forgave him – because he understood right away why I did not want him to look.  But still – a room of random people plus my husband and they are seeing IT just totally out there.  This, I got over.  People have babies.  Everything will go back to normal.

Nope.  Today I reached a new level of exposure.  I did not want to be shaved at the hospital in case they have to do a c-section so I got my first bikini wax.  Oh. My.  Holy. Hell. It.  Hurt.  And laying on table with no pants on not having nookie or having a baby I felt more exposed than I ever had before.  I may never subject myself to this again.  Ladies who do this regularly – I salute you.  I thought I might die.  And I added another person to the list of those who have seen IT  and up close.  UGH!

The Final Straw

So, in pain when I got home, I got in the bath.  I had some new bubbles that smell like orange tic tacs and the fantabulous smell must have distracted Sophia from her Max and Ruby because she came in and insisted on washing me.  I was too tired to resist.  So, instead of reading my romance novel and soaking in a lovely bath I was washed, by hand, head to to, boobies and all, by a three year old.  She said I was dirty and she had to clean me so that I could sing in her concert.  She said there are no dirty girls allowed.  She talked and talked and washed and washed. 

I laid in the tub and realized that for the next few years, I am giving up on privacy.  It’s those kids!  They are there in the bathroom, they run in on my showers, they comment on me whenever I am naked.  Sophia lifts up my shirt to show strangers the baby.  I am having another baby and the boobs will be out for awhile.  I have no chance.  I am defeated.

You are lucky I have some semblence of sanity left and did not just post a nudie pic for the world and be done with it.

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This afternoon my babysitter came at 2:30.   This in itself is a novelty. As I left the house by myself in the middle of the afternoon I felt like I was having some sort of miraculous our of body experience.  I picked up my husband from work and we began our last date before the arrival of our baby girl.  We drove to a fancy shopping center here in Charlotte and did what I swear we have not done in years…we window shopped…just the two of us.  We walked in and out of gorgeous stores and I pretended I was not a huge whale right now and he went along with it and I held up gorgeous dresses in all shades of funky purple and we agreed on how great things would look in me.  We looked at coats and shoes and dresses.  Then, we moved on to furniture and as you know, I have a weakness for furniture.   Actually browsing through furniture and bedding stores with my husband, who could care less, and having him act like he cared, was precious.

Then, we went to the movies.  This was my 2nd movie in 2 months!  That is the same as saying this was my 2nd movie in the last year, because we never go to the movies.  We saw It’s Complicated and other than the fact that I hate thinking about divorce, we laughed our behinds off.  It was really funny.  And we were all sweet and we held hands and stuff so it was like a real date, ya know?  How romantic.  (It does not take a lot to impress a 9 month pregnant woman with 2 kids 3 and under.)

Then, as if window shopping and a chick flick were not enough, we went to our favorite restaurant and I had my favorite cheese plate and a little glass of awesome wine (I think its fine at this point and it was SO yummy).

When we cam home the kids were asleep and the playroom was clean.

Now that is a kick ass night for me. 

Now I am in my cozy bed and I know how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband, how blessed I am to have Sophia and Miles and how incredible it is that in just a few days we will have another baby girl!  It does not get much better.

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