Hard to be a wife. Hard to be a mother. Hard to be a friend. Hard to be a writer. Hard to be me.

You see, I was going all gangbusters and ready to share with you the news of our 4th baby when I found out that our beautiful child would never make it to us.  Everything stopped for me.  Instead of bursting with joy I was overcome with grief.  The day I started writing about our new addition was the day I found out that I would instead be saying goodbye.

I want to connect again.  I want to share our moments and yours.  First, I need to let go of this anger and hurt and work from a place where my heart is again open. I was not going to post the following, but I think it might help me to share my darkest moments so that I can again relish the many joys I have.

Here is my heart. I will re-build myself.

I have been in and out of everything lately.  My life, my friendships, my blog, my marriage and yes, my mothering.  Lately isn’t even the right word.  We lost our baby to a fetal teratoma months ago.  That’s a tumor.  This tumor is called an epignathus.  A tumor growing out of my baby’s precious mouth.  Since then I have been shitty at everything.  I am left feeling heartbroken about losing that child and then guilty because my parenting and wife-ing has been so far below par for the last 5 months.

I look at women who have lost children and I am amazed at how together they seem.  I can’t even imagine that grief.

I remember my past miscarriages and wonder how I got over those.  I think I only barely started to move on when we had another baby.  This time I am not sure another baby will come.

I keep talking to people and reading posts from people who are pregnant, planning to have another or done.  They seem to know where they stand.  And then I barely keep myself from crying over my response as I approach our due date in February and know that I do not want to be done.  That I wanted that child.  That I might always want another baby.

See, I can’t find the bandaid.  I don’t know what will stop this pain.

Losing that baby took any semblance of thick skin from me and crushed it.  Now, I am fragile when I want to be strong.  I am sensitive and my heart bruises easily. I cry a lot and worse than that, I have been raising my voice, yelling, because all of my anger can’t stay inside.  I feel ashamed.

I have not written very much because I did not want to burden anyone with my grief and be that totally depressing woman who can’t stop crying about that baby when she already has 3 beautiful children.  Well, that’s me.  Totally beaten by the end of most days, and some days from the moment my eyes open.  I can’t let go.  I can’t move on.  I am not okay with it.  I am angry and hurt and confused and I am terrified.  Because it is not really getting better.

And I have not been talking about it. Now I am letting it out and hoping that I will begin to see myself again soon.

I want to be better and I want anyone out there who has felt this way to know that you are not alone.  That is why I am writing this down.  Because this loss is real and because it does not just go away.  It helps to share, and I am taking that first step.

I know that it has to get better.  It just has to.

My husband loves me.  My kids love me.  My friends love me.

I love me.

I know I will be okay.  It will take time.  More than I ever thought, I suppose, but I will be okay.  I will re-build my emotional life.  I know I am a good friend, a good wife and a good mother.  I need to ask everyone for patience and understanding and just do my very best.

Because my best is enough.  I am enough.

If you have experienced the loss of a baby, know that you can share your experience and that you are not at all alone.  Please visit Unspoken Grief, a community for healing after the pain of a miscarriage, stillbirth or neo-natal loss.

I couldn’t wait to tell my friends and family and you, my lovely readers, our big news.  I was planning on a big reveal Tuesday, after our 11 week Nuchal Translucency ultrasound and screening.  I was literally bursting with excitement to tell the kids.   After 2 painful miscarriages, I just had to get through that test.

Usually I am terrified for ultrasounds.  I have had some hard and strange things happen in my pregnancies.  Violet never moved.  Ultrasounds were petrifying as we worried what could be wrong with her.  Finally she was born, without any of the problems doctors warned us about.  It is strange because on Tuesday, while I woke up nervous, I was happy when I got to Maternal and Fetal Medicine for my test.  I go to the high risk doctors for ultrasounds because my first was born with a VSD and had tiny holes in her heart.

As soon as I laid on the table and the wand touched my belly, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.  Not only could I see the heartbeat, but as the tech zoomed in my precious baby was kicking its legs and my baby waved.  Violet never moved that much my entire pregnancy.  I was elated.  It was short lived.

The tech could not get a good view of the baby from the front to get all of her measurements.  She was able to get the nuchal translucency measurement.  It measures the space in the tissue at the back of a fetus’ neck and is used to assess potential risk of downs syndrome, chromosomal disorders and congenital heart disease.  We get the test due to Sophia’s heart.  They like the reading to be around 2.5 mm but my baby’s was 6.5 mm and the tech said she had some concerns and would be back with the doctor.  She just kept saying she could not get a good look.  I was terrified. I was wondering when we could get more testing and how we would raise a special needs baby.  I had no idea the problem was much bigger than that.

When the doctor came in and looked he agreed that the baby’s head and upper torso were completely blocked by what he called a structure.  It was so quiet in there and it took so long I was making inappropriate jokes because it turns out that is how I deal with extreme stress.  He took a long time looking and then asked if he could do a vaginal ultrasound for better results.  When he looked again this doctor, who has seen so much, looked perplexed and then a bit shocked.  He left the room for a moment to consult with another doctor and then came back in with the news.

My precious baby with a healthy beating heart and wild kicking limbs had a tumor known as a Teratoma coming out of its tiny mouth.  It is called an Epignathus.  The doctor spelled it for me.  This Teratoma was larger than the baby’s head, and expected to continue to grow.  The prognosis for the baby is awful.  Google it if you dare.  It is really scary and awful and extremely rare.  The chances of its heart supporting this mass through a pregnancy are slim and the number of babies who have survived this condition can be counted on less than 1 hand.    The risk to the mother is also high, as this mass grows inside and causes numerous problems.  These Teratomas grow up into the brain, through the airways, over the face…..

11 weeks is the earliest they have ever seen one.   I was advised to end the pregnancy and offered counseling.  I saw the horrible tumor.  It was huge. While I will need counseling, I did not need it to make my decision.   I looked up at the screen and my beautiful baby and saw an angel.  My heart was broken.  I wanted to ask if I could watch the baby move around for awhile, but I thought that might be a bad idea.  I suppose I wanted to wave goodbye.

Here’s the thing.  I never thought I would make this decision.  I never thought I would be presented with such an awful diagnosis.  I called multiple times to ask if they were sure of what they saw.  I asked about my options for continuing the pregnancy.  I asked it all and they said this baby was not going to survive.  I know they were right, but I will still grieve this day and this decision for the rest of my life.  I am thankful that these doctors called me every single day from Tuesday until this morning when I went to the hospital.  I could not be more thankful that they understood this decision was a terrible one for me and my family.

I am home and I am physically okay.  Now I will start the process of moving forward emotionally.

***

I have spent the day in my bed, thinking about our precious baby and beginning to say goodbye.  When babies are born in Jewish families (my husband is Jewish) they are given Hebrew names.  We did not know if this child was a boy or a girl, but I will say goodbye to this baby and name this tiny angel

Naava Oz

While we never got to see our angel’s precious face, this baby is beautiful.  While our baby was not healthy enough to join us in our home, our angel can now be free and be strong.  I chose these names for this baby and for my family and for me, a mother in grief.  I will love my family even as I miss this beautiful child and I will be strong  for my family and for myself.

I write this as I sit in bed, alone with my thoughts and need to release these words.  I am groggy and have not the energy to edit or sugar coat or even spell check.  This is my broken heart, preparing to say goodbye.

I want to thank everyone for your support and so much cyber love.  It means more than you know to have people thinking and praying for me and my family.  I know that so many women have gone through the D&C procedure or miscarriage or the loss of any child any way.  My heart today breaks for you too.  Our angels are dancing together.

I am getting Kludgy and talking about the day my Fetus Hit the Beach.  Yep – that reminds you of summer love doesn’t it?

Please show me some love at Gigi’s place!  I gave her unattractive pictures of the prego belly.  I must really love her.

You are 1 today baby girl.  Happy Birthday! 

It has been quite a year.  A year ago I went into the hospital praying with every part of me that you would be okay. You were breech for most of the 38 weeks you spent in my body.  I tried everything to get you to flip but I guess you were just happy being right side up, with your head towards my heart.  I had extremely low amniotic fluid and you did not or could not move. I had hoped you were just lazy. We got you checked every single week with ultrasounds and NSTs but no one really knew why you didn’t move.  It was lovely to see your beautiful face so often, but some very scary diseases were mentioned.  Your daddy and I already loved you so much, we just wanted to meet you and hold you and show you we loved you no matter what.  When I got to the hospital I was prepped for a c-section and told that the chances of flipping you during the ECV procedure I elected were slim.   I was really scared, baby girl, and wanted to have you naturally and not add the risks of surgery to all my other fears.  After 3 terribly painful tries, my Dr. and 2 nurses were able to physically push you around and move your head down.  The relief I felt is indescribable.  You were stubborn like your mama but in the end you came out the easy way, and I want to thank you for that.

Violet, you were 5 pounds 12 ounces of perfection.  We were scared of so many things but you came out kicking and screaming and pink and I cried huge tears of joy.   Actually, of all my babies you came out the healthiest.  Sophia was born with all these holes in her heart.  Miles was born with plagiocephaly and his noggin was shaped like my pelvis.  You were a tiny little spitfire who came into this world ready to play ball.   It felt like a miracle.  I introduced you to the world right here on the day you were born.

Every day I fall more in love with you.  You are a fabulous cuddler.  You love to sing.  You love to kiss and clap and click your little tongue.  Violet, your brother and sister play rough, and you can take it.  Even when you were tiny and got stepped on or pulled or rolled over, you usually laughed and started kicking.  That’s my girl.  You are one tough cookie.  These days you are a rough one yourself and love to roll around with the big kids.   You are also the sweetest thing.  When someone is crying, you go to them.  When I am crying, you put your cheek next to mine and hum and honey, it helps.  Thank you.  Having a big heart will bring you more joy in your life than having anything else.  That gift is priceless.  You, my sweet girl, are priceless.

Violet, you laugh and smile the most when you are jumping or dancing.  So for you honey, Happy Birthday.  I hope you laugh and dance forever.

Love and Kisses,

Mommy

These days, it might just be hormones, but why wouldn’t I want more of this? 

Me and Sophia in the Hospital

And this…

Mommy and Miles

And of course this…

Brand New Baby Violet

I adore babies and despite some awful pregnancies my heart and soul and body are calling out baby.  Baby four will probably never happen but I can’t help how I feel.

They are so precious and gorgeous and fantastically kissable and cuddleable.

Who wouldn’t want another?  And yes, I know they poop…a lot.  And also yes, I currently have a 9 month old who nurses throughout the night…still.

Do you and your partner agree on babies?  Or does your body cry out to you like mine does?

p.s.  No,  do not want to on a duggar-esque baby frenzy.  I just want one more.  I pinky swear.

It started with What to Expect and Baby Center message boards.  I met so many incredible women and felt a sense of comfort and complete lack of embarrassment sharing my feelings as I progressed through the months of my first pregnancy.   I had a forum to ask and answer questions, whine about aches and pains and husband stuff and generally just be myself.  With no fear.  I dove in and have never looked back.

After I had Sophia I stayed on my boards and  just gabbed away about life with a newborn and very mundane daily living.  Everyone was talking about the same stuff.  Boobs, Babies, Poop…the usual.  It was comforting to have a place to share all the little stuff.  But really, it ended up being so much more.

When I had my first miscarriage at 10 weeks in the hospital and had one of the worst nights of my life laying cold and alone and bleeding  in the hallway outside the ultrasound room, I was emotionally depleted and completely at a loss.  I turned to my message boards and was given an amount of love and compassion that amazed me and was so happy that I had made these friends.  I am so thankful that I had these women.  No one knew I was pregnant other than my husband, my sister and my mother.  The only friends that I could share my grief with were online.  

The girls I knew referred me to a miscarriage and loss board that saved my life, emotionally speaking.  This is the point at which I began to pour my guts out online, and I will never regret exposing myself to these women.  Without them I would not have known how to talk about my feelings and really work through my grief.  I don’t know what I would have done without their support.  This was more than 2 years ago and I continue to include these women and their angel babies in my prayers.  Having women who understood what I felt was so important at that time in my life.  This was the first time that I learned that my online friends were my real life friends.  We shared phone numbers and email addresses.  I got text messages sending hugs and pick me up notes.  I am lucky I had that support system.

When I started TTC ing (Trying to Conceive) again I found a group of extraordinary women called The Luckies and I can’t even express how fabulously awesome these chicks are.  They support each other through years of fertility treatments, through BFP (big fat positive) hits and misses, through fertility charting and so much more.  They are there for the whole process – from tryingto get pregnant to having the baby to breastfeeding to going back to work to trying for another baby.   I met so many wonderful friends on the Luckies boards and believeme – I share everything with them when I am on.  Now, years after I found them, many of us are on our 2nd or 3rd pregnancies and the girls actually met in Vegas for a weekend!  I wish I had been there!  Luckies – I know I am not on as much anymore but I am sending you TONS of baby dust and lots of hugs and kisses!

When I look back, I see that my babies brought me online.  My babies helped me to make friends with other women and join the cyber community before they were even born.  I did not even glance at blogs at this point, but I had found the tip of a very amazing iceberg in these communities of women.  It was only a matter of time until I started to read blogs…and just a bit longer until I would start my own.

How did you first start sharing yourself online?  Are your online relationships as important to you as mine are?  I would love to hear from you!

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HOWEVER - something has been bothering me.  Violet is not my first baby.  She is my third and I have done this all before.  Everything was going according to plan.  I am breastfeeding all the time and burning a bazillion calories a day over here.  My cheekbones are starting to reveal themselves once again.   My giant breasts are finally starting to chill the F out.  I am losing the baby weight quickly as usual.  

So what the hell is wrong with my pants???  Oh – I get it – my mom was right…as usual.  There is no money growing on any of my trees and I now do not have a baby belly – I have a BAGEL BELLY.  I am what I ate – and that was a hell of a lot of bagels.  Starting in my first trimester.  I posted about it here.  No more mystery.  My pants look like crap because how could they possibly look good wrapped around my bagel shaped belly?  Really – it is like a little extra puffy and round – all the way around. 

I know how it happened.  I blog from the bagel store in the mornings and my bagel habit grew with my belly.  I went from half a bagel with light cream cheese to a whole bagel with light cream cheese to a whole bagel with regular chock full of fat cream cheese.  Then I decided I liked bagels so much I would have one for breakfast and one for lunch.  You see, I did not eat a second lunch later – I just spent the mornings stuffing myself with bread and cheese and expecting to come out of it unscathed.  What was I thinking???

I learned better.  I now know a few key depressing facts.

I look like shit as a bagel. 

People – your 30′s are different than your 20′s.  

Drinking Diet Coke no longer makes up for all other calories.

I may actually have to pay attention to good carbs versus bad carbs.

Bad carbs are my favorite food in the whole world.  My favorite drink is wine and I will never give it up.  Especially if I have to give up bad carbs.  I mean I need to cry in my wine – not a glass of water.

I can’t just starve so I am going to have to find something else to eat. Something healthier.  Suggestions are welcome but let’s not get too healthy too fast.  I am already in shock.  So don’t throw tofu and raw food at me okay?

Finally, and I cringe as I write this, I am going to have to really exercise.  To sweat.  To do real cardiovascular stuff – not just running after my kids.  Not just yoga.  I am going to need to do aerobics or something.  I may need a leotard and some leg warmers over here.  My heart is already racing.  I have a long way to go.

But I really want to be a hot mama so here is my goodbye to bagels.  Oh – and I suppose just to be on the safe side I should also bid adieu to Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream.  I don’t know what that would look like but it can’t be good.  I would rather look like Heidi Klum or something.

 Wish me luck.  This is going to suck. 

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I am sure some of you amazing women were pumped for this appointment and rushed home after you got the go ahead to combine the aforementioned sex and exercise in a sweaty passionate workout with your long neglected lover.

I am not in that group of amazing women. Not.  At. All.  I am sitting in Breuggers Bagels stuffing myself with cream cheese and wondering if I should tell my gorgeous wonderful husband that the doc told me to wait a little longer.  That is bad, I know.  I adore my very sexy husband.  But girls, I have my reasons.

First, I am not feeling so sexy these days.  At 20 pounds from my goal weight with a nether region that was last used to birth a baby and boobs that are larger than my baby’s head that projectile spray whenever they hear a noise or feel a nudge I’m not exactly longing to be naked.  We spoke at length here about the boobie trap and how these boobs, as voluptuous as they are, are for baby only.

Second, call me crazy but I’m just not, um, feeling it.  Breastfeeding saps you of all sexual hormones and doing it every 90 minutes all day leaves little time for me to get all hot and bothered.  And, with 3 kids 3 and under I am not sure when we are supposed to do that foreplay thing that is supposed to help.  Especially, and this is big, since Violet sleeps not 2 feet from me and sounds like a little car battery with all her snorts and loud breathing.  It doesn’t help.  It makes my boobs leak – see above.

Third, I am scared.  I mean it.  I had some scarring down there from an infection after having Sophia that hurt for a long time and while I think it is all okay now, I get really nervous.  You need not know more – it used to hurt like a bitch.  No joke.

That about covers the sex.  Honey, I love you but it might be a little while.  And take a lot of wine.  I need to be tipsy enough to forget that I am taking my clothes off.

As far as the exercise, well, I just totally hate it.  There’s another hour out of my day that I don’t have.  I don’t like being sweaty.  I can’t ever plan it right.  I’m no good at it.  You get it.  I know I have to do THIS to lose the 20 pounds that will make me the hottie I want to be for my hubby so that I will want to do THAT.

It’s just not going to be today.  Or tomorrow.  But his birthday is next week, so I really need to pull myself together, huh?

So – what group did you fall into?  Please say that I not alone!

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Here is the question – How long did it take you to get back into those pre-pregnancy jeans?  I am not there yet but I have a pile of jeans ranging from my absolute biggest (bought near the end of my first trimester of my first pregnancy) to the ones that I don’t actually remember fitting in.  Don’t laugh – they are still the goal jeans.  When I can exercise again I will be reluctantly proudly joining the ranks of you who have a weight loss or fitness goal.

Here is where we started – at the end of my pregnancy with Violet.   Ignore my strange look - it is 5:30 in the morning in the delivery room and I am smiling but I was so scared that they would not be able to flip her that I think I look a little crazy!  You get the point though – I looked and felt HUGE!  Giant Uterus.  According to BabyCenter

By the time you go into labor, your uterus is about 15 times heavier (not including its contents!) and its capacity is at least 500 times greater than before you conceived.

Well no wonder we are not exactly comfy at this point!

Belly 38 Weeks 3 Days

After delivery the uterus continues to contract it pushes out the placenta and then closes off all open blood vessels where the placenta was attached.  The uterus continues to contract to being itself back to its pre-pregancy state.  For the first couple of days you can feel your uterus below your belly button.  Nurses will check you in the hospital to make sure everything feels right and to make sure that the uterine contractions are doing what they are supposed to be doing.  If you are breastfeeding you will feel these contractions when the baby nurses and they can be VERY painful.  I needed the pain killers for this. 

So, there is no baby in there but you still feel huge.  Here is my belly a little more than 24 hours after I gave birth.  Man do you wish it was smaller.  And like I said, less smooshy.  You know – there is no baby in there so what the heck makes it so big I just don’t know!  Forgive the hospital bikini look – it was hteo nly way to show the belly since I couldn;t lift my legs very well to put pants on – remember that gimp leg I had pre-delivery?  It got worse before it got better!

Belly Before We Went Home

The uterus continues to shrink each and every day and at a week after delivery it weighs about 1 pound – half of what it wighed when you had the baby.  It does not get back to its pre-pregnancy size until the end of your official post=partum period of 4-6 weeks.  Too bad everything else still takes longer huh?  So, here is where I stand 1 week after returning home and 9 days after giving birth to Violet.  I look tired because I am getting a little tired between the mastitis and all the being awake and stuff.  I think I could probably squeeze my ass into my biggest jeans but  I am going to avoid any potential devastation and cling to my maternity pants for a bit longer.  It feels good to have something covering my belly (those pants in the picture are rolled down), I don;t really want to squeeze into anything right now and its really flippin’ cold out so they give another layer over my belly.  I love it!

p.s. this is my standard breastfeeding in the winter getup.  Tank top that is big enough to pull down with cardigan over top – preferably from Banana Republic or Anthropologie so you feel like you are wearing normal clothes again.  This is SO much easier than nursing tops although I do have 1 or 2 nursing tops for the winter that make it SUPER easy to whip out the boob wherever you may be!

What was that – the dreaded tooshie trauma nobody tells you about pre delivery?  Nope!  WRONG AGAIN.

That whole private area is just peachy, thanks.

Ah – you are thinking then it must be the boobies!   I would love to say yes because I am in incredible boobie pain right now but WRONG AGAIN!

Jeez – you must be wondering post childbirth what else could there be?

Well folks, my flippin’ LEFT ARM feels like it needs to be cut off and it has since about 1 hour after I arrived at the hospital on Tuesday.  I tweeted at 6:30 am that the IV was in after 3 tries.  Very painful tries.  I posted a pic  at 9:30 am because it was hurting so much!

Here is my arm after the major screw up…you can also see the automated blood pressure cuff that created pain worse than my contractions.  Much worse at times.  Every time it compressed the blood vessels in my lower arm and hand swelled and created a terrible pressure.  It was hell.

2 Failed Tries

Here is my relief when the new nurse got it right, using a smaller needle she said was more appropriate, on the other side.

Immense Relief

Here is how my left hand looked an hour ago – it is getting better.  SCARY!  All the nurses while I was in the hospital commented on the swiftly developing bruise.  They ask you where it hurts – I repeatedly told them, to their surprise – my LEFT ARM!

Horror Hand

Then, I did something really stupid.  It turns out I was way overdue for my tetanus shot and at 9 pm on Wednesday a lovely nurse rectified this problem.    This one shot has created a pain in my upper arm to compete with my lower arm.  I have similar bruising although I can’t get a picture of it.  The OB said this happens sometimes with tetanus.  I told her I could barely move my arm and I just had a baby.  I sort of need this arm.  She said I should call on Monday if it still hurts.  I will be on hold at 8:30 am sharp because holy crap does it still hurt!  And the injection site is now a hideous lump!    I only have a pic the morning after they gave me the shot.

Already Bruising on Thursday

So now I am having trouble doing a lot of things, including typing a lot for this blog, because I have limited use of my LEFT ARM.  Between breastfeeding and my new handicap I am one handed at the computer.  Things take a long time with one hand.

So for now lots of pics and a little sarcasm and a lot of love just not a lot of words.  This post took forever to type.  If I do not cut my own arm off I will be back to my way too wordy posts soon.

XOXO

Brittany

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